Tag: monster

Monster Boxes With Teeth

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etsy monster teeth box
You can store your trinkets in these Monster Boxes With Teeth from Etsy seller Left Hand Asylum and no one would dare plunder your treasures. Well, if there was a twinkie inside or a candy bar, I would take my chances prying those jaws apart. I might lose a finger or three, but it would be totally worth it. First I would get a stick and jam it in there so he can’t bite down, then I would comment on it’s bad breath and throw a tic-tac in there. Then, like Indiana Jones, I would carefully open the box inside.

Two pieces of lint and a Fortune Cookie! *Eats fortune cookie up. Looks at the fortune* “The fortune you seek is in another cookie.” Stupid monster box! Hey… In another cookie… I have a box of Oreos in the kitchen. I’ll start there.

*Two years later*

*Chinese doctor comes back in the room. Hands me a tiny fortune shaped paper* It reads: You have diabetes. Doctor says, “Monster take many forms. You have your fortune. Thanks for tic-tac” and vanishes.

God dammit!
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Monster Bags: Your Emotional Baggage Now Has A Face

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etsy monster bag
Etsy seller pippenwycks sells all kinds of cool Monster Bags. Dice bags, Clutch(Your heart and die at the sight of those teeth) bags, shoulder bags and more. They probably have bags under their eyes from staying up late at night, creating monsters. Funny story: That’s what my mom said when she had me.

I’d get one, but it ain’t my bag… Man. Besides, papa’s got a brand new bag. No, really. It’s nice. No teeth or eyes anywhere. In fact, I just opened it and it contains an Arby’s Roast Beef sandwich and some curly fries. The monster is me! *Om nom nom nom. Choke. Gasp.* Ate too fast. Drank too fast. Swallowed the straw. It’s really stuck in there, but on the plus side, it’s a straw so… I get extra points for choking while still being able to breath. ER here I come again. Where’s that EZ-Pass / Fast Pass card they gave me?
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Monster Coffin Framed Prints

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etsy monster coffin
These monster art prints from Etsy seller bwanadevilart will decorate your walls in monsters, all in coffin shaped frames. All of your favorites are available like the Wolfman, Frankenstein, Vampires and more. I already have a picture of Frankenstein and his bride. It’s called a wedding photo. It’s super cute. She’s all hissing at me and I just look like Herman Munster, only scared as hell. It was a fun day. The day before I mean. The last day of freedom is always the sweetest. I remember it well. I did the mash. The monster mash! It really was a graveyard smash. Now the wife spends all my cash.

How do I always get sidetracked? ADD? I don’t think so, but how would I know? I would forget, wouldn’t I? Anyway, I better get back to whatever it was I was doing before. Oh yeah. No, that wasn’t it.
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Frankenstein Boots

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etsy frankenstein doc marten boots
Unleash your inner Frankenstein with these freaky and cool Frankenstein Boots. It’s alive! It’s alive! Yeah, but does it have a soul? No, however it does have a sole and some cool bolts on the side. I usually slip mine on, then tighten ’em with a wench.

A wench?

I mean a wrench. Sorry. Was thinking about Frankenstein’s wife for a sec. She forgot to pack me a lunch today and Dr. Frankenstein is very annoyed.

American Werewolf In London Painting

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american werewolf in london painting
Yep. I went on a trip to London last year and this American Werewolf In London Painting looks about right. Except my sweatpants were hanging way lower and I prefer Burger King. Plus, my bike had a bell.

Ding ding. Ding ding. Fat American tourist coming through. Out of the way. You damn English make it impossible to juggle 3 Whoppers, 4 orders of fries, a happy meal and an ice cream cone.

On the plus side Londoners are really good about you falling off of your bike and having a heart attack. Got me an ambulance in no time. Thanks Gov! Health care there is awesome too. I was on my feet and back to being a disgusting American in no time. MURICA!