Bring me the head of Nosferatu at once! Damn, that was fast! To be honest, I’m not sure what to do with it now that I have it. Didn’t really think you would deliver.
This Nosferatu head looks terrifying from one side and extra terrifying from the other. That’s because the other side is exposed so you can see his brains. This might not have happened had he not been so negative. Nosferatu. Pffft! How about YESferatu? He was always so contrary.
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You may be two centuries too late for this 19th Century Traveling Vampire Killing Kit, but don’t let that stop you. My motto is, “You see a vampire, you kill it!” That’s also my motto for cockroaches and spiders. This kit has everything you need to kill vampires dead. Plus it looks all old timey and awesome.
Reminds me of an old joke I heard once:
There once was a vampire named Mabel, whose period was notoriously stable. One night in June, she sat with a spoon and drank herself under the table.
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The idea behind this Gigantic Worry Eater is that kids can feed it their worries, fears, doubts, and anxieties. Just write down a worry or fear, shove it into its mouth, and zip its lips shut. Your worries are supposed to be gone. Problem is, this creepy, striped and head-tentacled monster is pretty effin’ scary. He’s gonna be the cause for any worries your kids have.
*Writing* Dear Worry Eater. Please don’t eat me. Please stop watching me while I sleep. Why is your fat body big enough to fit me inside? I hope this note appeases you and that in your great wisdom, you decide to spare my life. Signed, your victim for all time. P.S. Sorry for stuffing you full of dirty socks in an attempt to kill you and escape my torment.
A planet where 3D Apes evolved from 2d pictures of monsters? In a picture frame? It’s alive! Alive! These apes have evolved from Frankenstein, creating FRANKENZAIUS and APENSTEIN. Clever play on words. You know what else is a clever play on words? FRANKEN-FECES. That’s what they will be flinging when they are forced to war with humans for our resources.
Does no one learn from Mary Shelly? Stop creating these things. Seriously. You’ll kill us all. Except for me. Ape shall not kill ape. Thank God for all this back hair! Wooo-hooo!
Bonus video below.
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This Gigantic Alien Monster Sound System has landed on Earth to rock you like a hurricane. Gather around and prepare to be blown away by it’s gigantic speakers. Then prepare to be disappointed, because all he wants to play is coldplay. Hey, that’s some heavy teenage rage shizz where he comes from. It’s not his fault your ears are on your head instead of on your butt-flaps like a normal sentient creature.
This awesome Alien Monster Sound System will cost you $22,706.63 The 63 cents is an awesome tax. Mandatory for something this friggin’ righteous. I’m gonna stand right up in front of him and proclaim that I am ready to rock! Then when the first sound hits the speakers I’m gonna be thrown like 500 feet. Again! Again!
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