Tag: novelty

EGG-A-MATIC Skull Egg Mold

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

skull egg mold
The EGG-A-MATIC Skull Egg Mold will automatically turn eggs into skulls. Unlike the nations school system, which turns young skulls into egg-batter. But enough of that. Politics makes strange bedfellows. No really, the kind of bedfellow that gets all weird and kinky and makes you do unspeakable stuff in the middle of the night.

The point is, now you can turn your eggs into a skull and have a scary/spooky breakfast. Bite the head and suck out it’s yellow brains. Just like the school system did to you. That will teach ’em. Yay! Now everybody’s stupid.
Read more “EGG-A-MATIC Skull Egg Mold”

Saint Beetlejuice Candle

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

saint beetlejuice candle
This Saint Beetlejuice Candle should only be used with prayers that begin with saying his name three times. I can get away with it, because I’m typing the name, not saying it. Just another sweet-ass perk of being a blogger. Don’t you try it.

Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.

See. Totally safe. I knew that dingus Michael Keaton wasn’t going to appear. ARGHHHH! Internet is crapping out! My computer is soooooo slow. I’m-

Update: Gonna finish using the library computer, cuz my screen is all black and white stripes with Beetlejizz in the foreground juggling Winona Ryder and Tim Burton’s heads.

Once again, the perks of being a blogger turn out to be an exaggeration. Let that be a lesson to you kids. Stick with your selfies and texting while colliding with poles and leave blogging to the pros.

I’m off to the deli to get a slice of rye and some moldy bologna. An old Chinese guy told me it was the only way to banish him.

Ringpet Turns Your Pets Into 3D Printed Rings

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Ringpet Turns Your Pets Into 3D Printed Rings
Turn your pet into a 3D ring! A company from japan, called RingPet wants you to wear your pets on your fingers. Just register on the Ringpet website and upload a few photographs of your pet taken from various angles and Ringpet does the rest.

Does ringworm count? I was rocking ring-worm long before it became fashionable. I’m gonna send them pictures of my cat, Mr. Fluff N Stuff. Then I’m gonna order like 10 rings and have two sweet sets of Kitty brass knuckles. You mess with me you incur the wrath of 10 vicious Kitties on two fists of furry. I mean fury.

Who am I kidding? I’ll probably just put on a finger puppet show for the cats in the neighborhood. I like to give back. They have given me so much. Fleas, cat scratch fever, poop on my floor…

Bogeyman Egg Separator

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Bogeyman Egg Separator
Holy Jesus! Now I know why everyone is so scared of the bogeyman. He really is full of boogers. Nasty, slimy egg boogers. This Bogeyman Egg Separator will make you want to skip breakfast all together. He looks like an old man with a severe case of the flu. No really. Like he has a whole briefcase marked “flu” on the outside, where he keeps his ebola.

That’s not a one tissue drip. That’s a go through the whole kleenex box and spray some lysol up your honker drip. You nasty old man!

Squirrel Chair: A Chair For Squirrels

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

squirrel lawn chair
At first I was like, “Make yourself at home Mr. Squirrel, pull up a Squirrel Chair and stay awhile.” Then later I was like “WTF, I spend half my time cleaning up squirrel s**t.” I thought I was the only mammal who sat in a chair all day eating and s**tting. What’s the word for that again? Oh yeah, a blogger.

So anyway I got tired of cleaning up Squirrel crap and tore the chair off the tree. I threw it in the trash along with some Hot Wheels cars and some computer parts. Two weeks later I hear a computer modulated Squirrel voice and look outside to see “Squirrel Hawking” rolling along in his robotic wheelchair, nibbling on some nuts and trying to work out some equations that prove black holes are nature’s unbleached anus. Last I heard he was teaching at Harvard. Working for peanuts. Obviously. He’s not stupid. Money is useless to a squirrel.