Tag: novelty

Texas Wound ‘Em: Bandage Shaped Poker Playing Cards

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

bandage playing cardsI have a full house, Boo-boos high. I have a royal flush, ouchies high. I have a pair of one eye’d kings…because they both got stabbed in the eye.

Fun for the whole family. These Bandage Shaped Poker Playing Cards combine two of our favorite pastimes, Poker and open wounds that need bandaging. How do you not already use these cards on your Poker night? They look like bandages, but are playing cards.

They were obviously designed by some kid who skinned his knee running away from a poker game where he just cleaned all the other kids out, cheating them out of all of their pop-rocks and pixie sticks and other uncontrolled diabetic substances. Probably wrecked his big wheel and when he hit his head, he came up with this idea. Of course his parents probably stole his money and so today he lives in a shack in Arkansas where he hits his head repeatedly on the wall, trying to strike gold again. Sad really.

Inflatable Toast

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

inflatable toastInflatable Toast is the toast of the town. It is guaranteed to turn your frown upside down. That much is certain. But what the hell do you do with it? Hang it from your car rearview mirror? Present it to a mouse as a nice comfy air mattress?

I have no idea. I just really love toast enough to buy this. Toast is awesome. Buttery toast with jam. Yummy. Maybe I will use this as a toast rest. I have no idea, but I feel a rhyme coming on.

Inflatable Toast.
Blow it up with some air.

Put some butta on dat b**ch
like you don’t even care.

Spread it real good
till it’s nice and creamy.

I eat toast in the shower
all nice and steamy.

Bottom of ma toaster
all filled with crumbs.

All you haters of carbs
are f***ing dumb!

“Poop Office” Plush Dropping

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

stuffed office poop
See that little stool on the chair? That’s a poop you can take to the office. Not a poop you take at the office. It is a “Poop Office” plush doll. The size is healthy, but I don’t know about that color and shape.

This is Poopert, from the comic series Poop Office. I didn’t even know that existed. Probably because I spend more time making these things than reading about them. Then it all comes full circle as I write about them. Write what ya know.
Read more ““Poop Office” Plush Dropping”

The Booger Bin Lets You Pick And Save

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

booger bin
Boogers. You can’t pick just one. And you can’t just flick them against the wall, because before you know it, you’ll have a snot sculpture there after a few months. You can only wipe so many on the cat too, before your wife thinks the cat has a deadly cold and takes it to the vet, where they charge you like $400 to determine that the snot is human. All they had to do was friggin’ ask.

Anyway, this booger bin will keep your nozzle nuggets all in one place. It’s a bin. For boogers. If you can fill one of these up, you have some serious health problems.
Read more “The Booger Bin Lets You Pick And Save”

Orna-Meat: Meat Christmas Ornaments

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

meat ornamentsThese meat ornaments will look good on my tree this year. There’s nothing like a tree full of steaks to get a jolly fat man to leave you more gifts. It worked for me last year. I got a Christmas miracle. Sort of.

Last year I threw all kinds of meat on my tree, steaks, fish, lunch meat, I even made a star out of hot dogs and rubber bands. I just knew that tubby old elf couldn’t resist. I lay in bed that night listening to the noise of Santa rummaging around and bumping into stuff. He hissed several times and even broke some of my knick knacks.

In the morning my sleepy eyes awakened to the magic day. I went out to the tree..The damn cats had attacked the tree like furry piranha. They were still gorging themselves. The Christmas miracle under my tree was a ring of cat s**t all the way around. Another ring of cat vomit around that.

Meat. It would have worked if not for those damned cats!