Tag: novelty

Aromas Assemble!: The Avengers Cologne Set

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avengers cologneThis Avengers Cologne set is awesome. And trust me, I need to upgrade my smell. As it is now, people have labeled my particular scent as: Rank, ripe, a trash truck on fire on a humid day, a Grateful Dead concert in it’s fifth hour and my personal favorite; a weaponized form on man-thrax. Hey, I forget to put on deodorant. Sooorrry!

Well, now I’m gonna smell great.

Captain America – Patriot
Smells like some World War II dude who slept for like 70 years. Musty and dusty, but his butt-kicking skills are not rusty.

Iron Man – Mark IV
Smells like stale sweat trapped in a jet-powered suit and since your pee-technology just gave out, there’s a wee trickle of urine with a splash of citrus.

Hulk – Be Angry
This is a grunting savage scent. It smells large, foul and angry. Think an hour after Taco Bell smell.

Thor – Worthy
Smells manly, earthy like a forged fire. But when it wears off your BO hits people like a hammer.

Nah. I’m just kidding. People say they smell good. Of course anything beats raw nerd smell, which is a cross between stale comic book paper and mom’s basement. Now where did my new Hulk issues get to?

Santaur Christmas Tree Ornament

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santaur ornamentHey look! It’s Santa in centaur form, sporting a big old booty and a buff chest. The head, arms, and torso are all Santa, but the body and legs are all horse. This basically give him more horsepower so he can deliver presents faster. You know. Like those socks and sweaters that he knows I hate, yet still gets me every year.

He’s magical. He’s mythical. He’s merry. He’s also, apparently, a friggin’ Pokemon. I can’t wait to see what he evolves into next year. He’ll probably have dragon wings and a snake body and turn all evil once the stress of Christmas Eve gets to be too much. Naturally, he will set fire to whole towns. Eventually another mythical creature will have to intervene. Jesus! Who else ya gonna call? FIGHT!

But wait. Here comes Krampus! The carnage! Streets on fire! Reindeers impaled on church steeples!We are all screwed!
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Bird Footed Vodka Shot Glasses

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bird feet shot glassesBartender! I’ll have a shot of Vodka, but only if you can serve it on top of a chicken foot with strange magical symbols on it.

Why did the chicken cross the road? To get the hell away from whoever made these shot glasses out of their feet. That’s why. Seems pretty obvious to me now.

Here are a set of 6 bird footed shot glasses. I wouldn’t recommend tracing those symbols with your finger. They seem all magical and dangerous. They come from Russia with love.

In mother Russia, you are not truly drunk until table filled with feet of bird!

Cable Knit Sweater Pillar Candles

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cable knit sweater candleIt is getting downright cold outside. It’s time for sweaters, fleece and mittens. It’s so cold, even the candles are starting to dress for winter. Take these Cable Knit Sweater Pillar Candles. They’re dressed up all warm and cozy, just like you and me.

I saw these last week and thought I could make my own. Long story short, a few sweaters glued around a wick and reinforced with earwax that I had laying around don’t make for a safe candle. Or as the fireman said, “It’s this idiot again guys. Let it burn!” Then later while I was sipping hot cocoa with a blanket around me, “Son, you are a special kind of stupid. Should you even be living on your own?”

Well duh! I’ve been saying that for years. Anyone have a sweater? I’m freezing here.

Ebola Epidemic Cutting Board

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ebola cutting boardStop fearing the latest stuff “they” want you to fear and just embrace it. Put some Ebola in your kitchen to keep all of your E-Coli company with this Ebola Epidemic Cutting Board.

Chop, chop, chop those vegetables on this cutting board that has Ebola, Salmonella, Swine Flu, Bird Flu, Meningitis and more. Now you can tell your hypochondriac friends that everything was prepared on a cutting board riddled with bacteria and viruses. Then watch them scream and run out.