Tag: occult

The Wooden Tarot Card Deck

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The Wooden Tarot Card Deck
*Grabs my new Wooden Tarot Card Deck. Gets ready for my next customer to come in the shop.* Good day sir. Let us consult the cards and divine your future. Wanna cut the deck? I have a full house, how about you? Never mind, give me those back. *Shuffles like a madman* Hmmmm. This card is interesting.

Is it the death card?

Nope, Go fish! JK JK. No, it’s the fool card. Very appropriate since you paid like $200 for this session. Now shhhhhh. I’m concentrating. No. No. It’s gone now. Hmmmm. Did you recently come into some money recently?

Actually yes I-

Can you shut up? I’m trying to give you a reading here? Sheesh.

You will meet a tall and handsome stranger, but that’s just me. Congrats by the way. I hear I’m really awesome to be around. Hmmmm. This is very interesting. I see you in a relationship. I see a woman in a kitchen. This card says that she’s waiting.

That is my wife. She expects me home for dinner in an hour.

What is for dinner? Let me draw the card. Is it steak? Spare Ribs? Sueeee-wheat! I am starving! We’ll continue this over dinner.
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Ouija Board Wall Art

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Ouija Board Wall Art
Ouija- Ouija- Oui-just love this Ouija Board Wall Art. Ouija Bored? Then grab a Ouija Board and entertain yourself by playing with a spiritual realm you have no understanding of whatsoever. All the kids are doing it and only half of them are possessed. The other half are rocking back and forth, wide eyed, chanting nonsense in a psyche ward. Psyche! I just made that up. See what I did there? Word play.

I’m not afraid of Ouija boards. Other kids went to boarding school. I went to Ouija boarding school. That’s where the nuns hit you with Ouija boards instead of rulers. Made me the man I am today. A man with mangled hands.

Wood Ouija Board Planchette Necklace

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Wood Ouija Board Planchette Necklace
Well looky here. You are gonna be a regular Cate Planchette when you wear this Wood Ouija Board Planchette Necklace. Now all you have to do is tattoo a Ouija board to your chest, I’ll ask the spirit world some questions, put my fingers on the planchette and get some answers from the other side. What do you say? I’m thinking this is the only way I get to stare at and rub a chest for an extended period of time. All in an effort to contact loved ones on the other side of course. That’s all. No other motives. Hey, don’t judge me. You already had that thing around your neck.

Taxidermied Mice Having A Seance

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Taxidermied Mice Having A Seance
These Taxidermied Mice Having A Seance are doing it all wrong. The dead don’t try to raise the living. Well, there was that one time I was playing poker with a zombie. He raised and went all in. Sucker. I cleaned up, took my winnings and hit the restroom for a royal flush.

Look at these guys with their little tarot cards and occult objects. Too bad they aren’t alive, cuz then I could call one of them Alistair Crawley. Get it? Cuz he’d be crawling all over the place.
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Just Your Everyday Illuminati / Black Magic Teddy Bear Lamp

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Just Your Everyday Illuminati Black Magic Teddy Bear Lamp
Looky here. An Illuminati Teddy Bear Lamp. Also claims to be black magic. They also had Voodoo in their title. I’m surprised they didn’t mention Santeria. I had that once. I’m pretty sure it means having the runs during Christmas. Seriously though, this thing has some bad juju. I think they confused illuminati with illumination. Obvious mistake. Now ya got some half crazed devil teddy bear with a lamp on his head making you worship some freaky deity every night.

Hey, I don’t judge. You wanna have a scare-bear go for it. You won’t find this thing on my night stand. Don’t mess with the illuminati. Period. End of story, That’s all she wrote. Because a demon bear attacked her. Illuminati. As in Illumi-NOT-I. Ain’t gonna have it.

Click through for an image of a half crazed feline under it’s spell.
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