Tag: octopus

Octo Glow Lamp

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Octo Glow Lamp
Oh look an Octo Glow Lamp that looks like a relic you can worship. *Kneeling before my 8 tentacled new master.* What is thy bidding my master? *Head lights up as it communicates with my mind and puts me in a trance.* Yesssss. But of course. *Returns a few minutes later with a brown M and M. Places it before him.* My offering my master.

Yessss. Of course I will buy bacon and beer in celebration of your greatness. Was gonna do that anyway. I think you and I will get along great. *Pets it’s glowing head.*

Cthulhu Neckties

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Cthulhu Neckties
Before the days of Etsy if you wanted a Cthulhu Necktie you had to go out and buy an octopus and let it live on the back of your neck, tentacles going down your chest. Eventually it would merge with you and share your mind-space. If you kept it moist enough it would even shake hands with your business associates for you.

Well, those days are gone. But that disgusting slimy feeling on the back of your neck lasts forever. Now you can just buy a tie with Cthulhu on it. We are living in an amazing age.

Kraken Flasks

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Kraken Flasks
You are never drinking alone when you have a Kraken clinging to your bottle like a wino best friend saying, “Come on ya tosser. Give us a drink! I ain’t had too many no how. Give us just a lick.” These Kraken flasks from Etsy seller Elstwhen are krak-a-laka Kool.

*Glug glug glug.* Hey, why does my booze taste watered down and like Cthulhu backwash? You better lay off my hooch you big Octo-puss or I’m gonna play a little game I like to call Kraken-smackin’!
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Octopus Door Handle

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Octopus Door Handle
I would never stop opening the door if I had this Octopus Door Handle. *Takes it’s tentacle in my hand.* How do you do Cthulhu? You’ve got a great grip son. You are really going places. Probably to the bottom of the ocean, so you can drag me down and suffocate me. It’s cool. Do what ya gotta do. I’m not letting go.

I would also make it all sticky and slimy so people who enter my home get the full Octo-experience when shaking tentacles with a beast from the depths. Octo-experience! Welcome! You’ve been slimed. Now you get to see the suckers that live here. Get it? Suckers?
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Octopus Chandelier

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Octopus Chandelier
Octopus is a pretty popular decor choice this season. Despite the fact that this Octopus Chandelier looks like it is pooping a glowing orb that will gently fall through the air and land on your dining room table, exploding in a fiery mushroom. That probably won’t happen, but you never know. I farted too close to an electrical outlet once while preparing a chicken dinner and had the pants burned off of me in a flash.

You try explaining how standing buck naked inside a circle of ash that used to be your jeans and holding a chicken, is not in fact some dark ritual. All you can really do is step out of the circle and continue preparing the meal. As dignified as possible.
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