Few things in this life are as powerful and hefty as Donald Trump’s combover. Whether you are a Trump supporter or detractor, you can now own a pair of shoes that are seemingly inspired by The Donald’s hair. Gucci’s new Princetown Goat-Hair Mules are just… WTF. I don’t even know what to say about them. They cost $1,800, but if you are the kind of person wearing these, your therapist will cost a lot more. How did I know you had a therapist? Well, if you like these shoes, you need one. That’s for sure. It looks like you stepped on a pair of tribbles.
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Tag: shoes
Coffin Platform Heels
I just shivered a little. I thought it was because someone was walking over my grave, but when I saw these Coffin Platform Heels, I realized that it must be because someone is walking on my coffin. If that’s the size of my coffin, I can only assume that someone blew me to pieces and there was only enough left of me to shove inside of two shoe heel coffins.
I’m a little ticked that there’s no epitaph on a little tombstone above those heels though. Something like, “He had a soul, not a sole” or “He tried not to be a heel” or “Women were always walking all over him.” True that. True all of that.
I bet you ladies are dying to get a pair. Dying to try them on. Even though they would kill your feet.
These Kraken Heels Are Tenta-Cool
What’s Kraken baby? Your Kraken Heels that’s what? Now you can unleash it whenever you open your closet and put these bad boys on. When you wear a creature from the abyss, the abyss looks back at you. Cuz these shoes have eyes. I feel like a heel after typing that. These shoes are tenta-cool and hopefully not tenta-cruel to your feet. Now you will be taking each step with your tootsies wrapped in the cold and slimy embrace of a sea monster.
If your shoes have eyes, you are looking up your own skirt. Just saying. I hope you get a good eyeful of your own stuff.
Skeleton Platform Boots
Get your bones in these Skeleton Platform Boots and tower over everyone else while showing the world your skeletal feet. They say SWEAR on the side so I just cursed my butt off. Nah. I lied. Just like after every workout my butt is still there.
Well, I did kind of swear when I saw these. I was all like, “F**kity f**k that’s a cool pair of boots! I gotta show the creepers.” Then I stubbed my toe and went on a 2 minute swear-rant that ended with me washing my own mouth out with soap. If there’s one thing I can’t abide, it’s a potty mouth. I hate having to do it, but how else will I learn?
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Sexy Halloween Witch Shoes
Damn. Those are some sexy Halloween witch shoes girl! What do ya say we hook up? I’ll make you curl your toes like a house landed on you. Baby we could- *POOF! Turns into a frog.*
*Poof* I’m back. Dang. Just sayin’ they’re sexy. Oh, it smells like you got something cooking in your cauldron. Also, do I smell bread? Does that make you the Wicked Witch of the Yeast? Is it done yet? Can I eat over? Please? Please?
*Poof!*