Tag: toy

Sloth in a Matchbox

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etsy sloth in a matchbox
Hey a Sloth in a Matchbox. He looks super comfy in there too. Makes me think of my dear departed grandmother. She used to always say, “Get up you lazy idiot. You’re like a sloth in a matchbox!” Yeah, too bad I’m not a sloth in a matchbox wearing headphones you old- Then the frying pan would hit me in the head.

That’s horrible. You said departed. When did your grandmother die?

Die? Look at this knot on my skull. Does that look like she left this Earth? She got this sloth out of the matchbox and departed for the grocery store. That crazy old bat. Is it odd that I like to sleep on matchstick shavings? Now if you’ll excuse me this sloth is going back to bed. Extinguish all lit cigarettes please.

Giant Plush Squid With A Drinking Problem

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Giant Plush Squid With A Drinking Problem
This Giant Plush Squid With A Drinking Problem has been sold, which is sad. But if you ask the seller real nice, maybe they will make one for you, that also has a drinking problem.

You have a problem Squid! This is an intervention. Get those tentacles up and give me the booze now! Oh, that was easy. Thanks. I needed this, because I’m actually the one with a drinking problem. *Glog glog* Well, not a problem really. I thirst. I drink. Then I think I have a giant squid in my living room. So I know you’re just an illusion caused by my choice of rum *hiccup*

I am notch drunk. Shut yer squid mouth or I’ll shut it fer ya. Check out dis new sport. Here lemme show ya. Stand still now. Is called Kraken smackin. I’mma mess you up. *Rolls up sleeves*

*Wakes up in the morning to find the whole house destroyed*

I think it’s time to admit that I might actually have a problem. But who the f**k splattered my walls with ink?

E.T. Extraterrestrial Communication Knowledge Transfer Device

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etsy et communication device
Alien encounters can be awkward and not just because they stick stuff in ya without buying you dinner first. Because you can’t understand a damn word they’re saying. This E.T. Extraterrestrial Communication Knowledge Transfer Device will help. So the next time they come to abduct you in the night, you’ll be able to understand their language.

That’s when you find out that they think humans are just a game of operation. The Goofy Game for Goofy Doctors. I know when I bought one of these, I heard “Alien Gary” bitching to “Alien Mike” about how his wife doesn’t understand him because his quasar zoomboffulator was overpriced and out of warranty and it makes a real miff-zi-stache of his home life. “Alien Mike” owns a Zeff farm full of grazing Zergnars and recently got caught “nerfing the herd”, which is why he got stuck on this sh***y work detail.

I was all like, “Guys, I know I’m gonna forget about all of this later, but please, concentrate on the task at hand! Damn that hurts. Pay attention. Am I impregnated yet or what? Gary, you gotta man up and face the wife! Mike… Mike, you’re just sick. Seriously. Get away from me. Gary, let’s hurry this up. I have an early morning tomorrow.

So anyway, this thing really works. Check out the video below.
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SpyMo Toys Are My Kind Of Crazy

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spymo toys
Check out these awesome custom toys from Spymo Toys. It’s about damn time Bruce from the Jaws movie had his own action figure. I hope you can open him up and find tires and stuff in his belly. Check out some other cool stuff below. Like Rosemary’s baby, V.A.L.I.S. from the Phillip K. Dick novel, Pazuzu from The Exorcist and my personal favorite the DMT Warrior.

I never collected any DMT Warriors, but I’ve visited their dimension and let me tell you, that figure is no exaggeration. Pretty cool stuff. I’m buying them all and taking them out of the package and forcing them to play with my Star Wars: Phantom Menace toys. Since nobody else will play with them. Ugh!

Okay, sometimes I make the others torture Jar Jar, but that’s it. Okay, I also occasionally make Padme and that fat Gungun make out, but really, that’s it.
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Plush Spider Baby: Made From The Souls Of Your Old Toys

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plush spider babyDo you have a bunch of old toys that you would like to re-animate? Cool. Etsy sappymoosetree will work some strange cultist magic and turn your old toys into a kick-ass plush spider baby. Not sure if that involves zapping it with lightning or not, but once this thing comes to life, all of the toys in your house are dead.

And since it will have the souls of all of your old toys and the ones it just ate, it will be an unstoppable force of evil. It may even mutate again all on it’s own. If this thing wanders into a Toys R Us we are all screwed!
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