Racing Grannies: My Granny Beats Your Granny Any Day

racing grannies
Is this how they race grannies nowadays. Puhlease! In my day all you had to do was have like 4 old people in a minivan, park, and say, “Hey, look, a Cracker Barrel!” Then just watch the magic happen. Of course the pit crew are the real heroes of any elder race. It takes a special group of men to tighten the screws on walkers, make sure they have only pennies in their coin purse and empty any colostomy bags, before helping them to down an entire can of Ensure and be on their way. Lastly, slap some dentures in that bad boy or girl from the top front and smack ’em on the bottom to get them going.

It’s much faster with these Racing Grannies toys. Plus you don’t have to listen to a bunch of stories you’ve heard a million times. And it doesn’t smell like last century either.

Fist Of Jesus Action Figure

fist of jesus action figure
Holy Jeebus! This Fist Of Jesus Action Figure rocks. Jesus is back and this time it’s personal! He comes complete with his fishbone sword weapon and blood splattered robe. The chosen one is here to lay down the smack. He came to turn water into wine and to kick ass. And he’s all out of water! Those who cross the son of god will soon find out he is a son of a- Shut your mouth! Just talkin’ bout Jesus!

Soon to be a major motion picture! No doubt.
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Pirate Shipwreck Bed

pirate ship bed
My parents never bought me anything cool like this Authentic Pirate Ship Bed. Instead they poured all of their hard-earned money into a college education and look how well that worked out. I still pretend I’m a Veterinarian when I call home and on Christmas I surround myself with 3-legged dogs and the like when they come over. Sometimes they ask me to diagnose their pets and sadly, the easiest way to lie my way through it, is with a needle and the words “This really is the kindest thing for him.”

It’s their own fault. If they had just spent their money on this awesome Pirate bed we would all be happier and their pets might live longer lives.
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ButtHeads Are Cuddly Plush Cigarettes

buttheads cigarette plushWhat a bunch of ButtHeads. Some are cute and some look grumpy, but these butts are for cuddling not for smoking. You can choose from: smoked, not smoked or stepped on. Pro tip: If they come home with lipstick on their filter, you know they have been cheating on you.

These huggable and lovable butts might even help you quit smoking. Just punch it or hug it. Or both. While others are lighting up in their smoking areas, join them with your ButtHead and softly caress it as you smell that sweet smoke. Take it with you everywhere in place of smoking. On the bus, to the movies, to dinner. When the craving becomes too much, strangle your ButtHead. That’s what it’s there for. It’s sooooo hard to quit. Which is why your ButtHead will end up shredded, on the wrong side of a knife as you completely lose it.

Damn. That felt good. I need a smoke after that.

Custom Built Zombie Crusher With Automatic Machine Gun

zombie crusher
This may not be large enough for me to tool around in during the imminent zombie uprising, but my action figures are gonna love this Zombie Crusher With Automatic Machine Gun. I’ll be taking zombies out with some awesome head shots from above, while my GI Joes and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles shoot at their ankles. Pew! Pew! Pew! You’re all clear kid! Let’s blow this thing and go home!

Now I have to find something for my My Little Pony figures to ride around in. That’s right, I said it! I’m a brony. Got a problem? That’s what I thought! Don’t make me go all Rainbow Dash on you! Meaning, I will run away super fast with my colorful jacket and go play with ponies.
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