Tag: yummy

Chocolate Tools

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

chocolate tools
Everybody needs some chocolate tools in their toolbox. These tools are made from chocolate. So if you have a screw loose and need a chocolate fix, grab a wrench and shove it in your mouth. The wife wants to know how the plumbing is coming along. *yelling* Just fine dear. *Om nom nom nom* Nothing going on in here. *Nom nom* Everything is just fine. *door opens*

Hi dear.

WHAT is all over your mouth and face? Have you been sneaking chocolate again?

Um….Blew in the sewer pipe…Had some uh… blowback. Toilet is working now. If you’ll excuse me, I’ll just pack up what’s left of my tools and be off. Good day.
Read more “Chocolate Tools”

Stretchy Grilled Cheese Necklace

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

grilled cheese necklace
This is the kind of Krafting I can fully support. See what I did there? As in Kraft cheese. Let me just warn you all that I am a grilled cheese animal. If you are wearing this Stretchy Grilled Cheese Necklace in my presence, I will bite at it and lick your neck like it’s our first date, because technically it will be.

You get a hickey or two, I lose a tooth or two. Seems like a fair trade to me. I’ll calm down once I realize that’s a fake gooey grilled cheese. Hopefully you’ll calm down before a restraining order is necessary.

Planetary Lollipops: I Call Uranus!

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

outer space lollipops
These Planetary Lollipops mix hard candy with hard science. Mostly not. Mostly it’s your mouth acting like a black hole as you lick and devour every planet into nothingness. Imagine what a gooey delight the Earth is going to be with all of the chewy nougat that is the sea life and people and animals. Yummy. And Uranus? I can only imagine how good that will taste. I- Haha. Walked right into that one.

Hey, you’re not allowed to laugh at me. Only I’m allowed to laugh at me. At least I didn’t say the molten core of Uranus tasted good running over my tongue. I was saving that for Saturn.

Anyway this is probably the only time it will ever be safe to eat Mercury and if you want to see Jupiter Ascending, watch it ascend into your mouth.

Drippy Ice Cream High Heels

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

cupcake shoes
Damn girl! Did You survive an explosion at the ice cream factory, or did you take a hike through Candyland? I’m a smooth talker aren’t I? *Big smile. Putting on the charm* These shoes are just like you sweety. All sugar and sprinkles with a cherry on top. *notices the two mile long trail of ants literally nipping at her heels.*

Uh…Nevermind. Dessert gives me indigestion. I’ll just keep my eye open for a nice girl who won’t bring every ant in the neighborhood into my house. Maybe a girl whose shoes are burgers. The main course, that’s where it’s at. Not the flashy desserts. Meats over sweets, we do the deed with no tweets, that’s my new motto.
Read more “Drippy Ice Cream High Heels”

Fifty Shades of Bacon

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

fifty shades of bacon
Now this is the kind of erotic book I can get behind. Nah. Not really. That’d be gross and page after page of people rubbing bacon all over themselves. That’s a waste of bacon. No, this Fifty Shades of Bacon book is a cookbook that delivers the “full bacon experience”.

This is 62 pages with 50 recipes. If I could give awards to books, this one would win my “Golden Coronary” of excellence award. But even if a book won an award, how does a book give an acceptance speech? Simply by reading itself and thereby proclaiming it’s excellence. Bacon. Enough said.

Pro tip: Never judge a book by it’s cover. At first I thought this was a bacon identification guide illustrating fifty shades of bacon color and telling you which are good to eat and which would kill ya from being in the fridge too long. Or not in the fridge at all.