Author: Artemis Winterford

Glow in the Dark Skeleton Clutch

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Glow in the Dark Skeleton Clutch
Here I go again, coming through for you in the clutch. Even if I don’t know what that means. I just wanted to do something clever with the word clutch, aside from being told not to grind it because I’m used to driving an automatic. Anyway, check this out girls. This is a Glow in the Dark Skeleton Clutch. It’s got skeletal ribs on the front and feet with legs in the back. It also glows in the dark like that lasagna I accidentally left in the microwave overnight. The plus side is that that dinner now powers my house like lasagna-plutonium.

Anyway are you the sexy lady that can pull off this creepy cool clutch and look oh so sexy? I say yes because you got it going on girl! Get down wit yo bad self!
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Scary Doorbells For Your Haunted House

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Scary Doorbells For Your Haunted House
Man, I need a new doorbell. The one I have is louder than a church bell. People are all like, “Why you so nervous?” And I just shake in response. My nerves are on edge. I mean the edge of the edge. I’m a nervous wreck. These Scary Doorbells have to be quieter than what I have. Plus, they are all scary and awesome.

Etsy seller Occulence(Oh I heard of them. That’s that VR thing right? The Occulence Rift? I don’t know what I’m saying. Disregard.) has all kinds of cool and creepy doorbells for your home. They’ll help you get your ding-dong in order if you know what I mean.
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Real Insect Jewelry: Beetle Necklaces

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Real Insect Jewelry Beetle Necklaces
Check out these Beetle Necklaces. These beetles are pretty colorful. Apparently they are also called Weevils, because God forbid you have one easy word for an insect. Stupid scientists and bug nerds!

Evel Knievel was an evil weevil who liked to paint on an easel, and everyone thought he was a weasel. Yay! I made words rhyme. I’m just awesome like that. Did I do good? Can I have a treat daddy? Since I am my own daddy, I say yes. I may have a bag of Cheetos. Awesome. I love you daddy. I know.

Much like the Beatles when wearing Sgt. Pepper uniforms, these beetles are all bright and colorful. And just like two of the four Beatles, these beetles are stuck in their own little coffins for eternity. If I was a Beatle, it would be Paul. Because the Walrus was Paul. Later peeps. There’s a bag of Cheetos with my name on them. Probably because I take a sharpie to the supermarket and autograph everything.
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Pumice Stone Skull Candle Holder

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Pumice Stone Skull Candle Holder
This Pumice Stone Skull Candle Holder is awesome. Looks like an old grey castle where a witch lives. I bet my wife is moving in there. It looks pretty cool all lit up. Like it would talk to you in a booming voice that only you can hear.

WHO DARES AWAKE THE MIGHTY SKULL OF DOOM?

Uh…Me? I guess me, yeah.

OH! WELL COME BACK IN AN HOUR, I”M BEAT!

Stoned more like. Get it? Cuz you’re made of pumice?

YOU HAVE DISPLEASED ME MORTAL! RETURN UPON ONE HOUR AND I SHALL SMITE THEE WITH MY ANCIENT POWER!

*Waits for it to fall asleep again then smashes it to pieces with a hammer.*

This is why I can’t have friends. *Sigh*

*Sweeps the ancient evil up in a dustpan and dumps it into the trash.*

These Winnie The Pooh Face Masks Are Nightmare Fuel

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These Winnie The Pooh Face Masks Are Nightmare Fuel
When you think Winnie the Pooh, you think cute and cuddly right? Or if you’re immature like me you just hear the word pooh and giggle behind your hand like a Japanese schoolgirl. Well, this new line of officially licensed Winnie the Pooh ‘relaxation masks’ are creeping people the hell out. Relaxation? The only thing these masks relax is my spastic colon, making me mess my pants. These terror inducing masks look like something a serial killer would wear.

No way I’m sleeping tonight. Gonna be seeing this behind my eyelids all day. Posting pictures of yourself wearing these masks has become a thing in Japan. You can probably find them online, cuz I can’t look at any more. I took a nap earlier and saw woke up in a cold sweat just as these freaks were raising their knives to me in my dream. I say dream. I mean nightmare of epic proportions.

via Neatorama