Author: Artemis Winterford

Day Of The Dead Chocolate Skulls

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Day Of The Dead Chocolate Skulls
Check out these cute Day Of The Dead Chocolate Skulls. They look all dead and delicious. You get 10 chocolate skulls that are hand brushed with an edible “luster dust”. I have no idea what that is, but I love saying it. Luster Dust. Luster Dust. Luster Dust. *POOF! CLOUD OF SMOKE* Oh sweet! A free chocolate skull just appeared. Now it’s gone cuz I ate it. That luster dust ain’t no joke. Friggin’ delicious! It has just the right amount of luster in the dust. Tastes great. They may be dead, but my taste buds are alive!

Gonna go freak out cuz I’m basically 5 years old and can’t hold my sugar. Can you hold this for me? *hands you mu sugar* Thanks. I’ll be right back. *Runs off screaming*

Call of Cthulhu H.P. Lovecraft Wallet

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Call of Cthulhu H.P. Lovecraft Wallet
This Call of Cthulhu H.P. Lovecraft Wallet is so cool that it not only calls Cthulhu, it calls Cthulhu and sets up and date, then bangs Cthulhu and leaves in the morning, tucking some cab fair under his tentacles. So yeah, it’s a pretty cool wallet that isn’t messing around. The front features an awesome illustration, while the back side features a famous quote from the story: That is not dead which can eternal lie, And with strange aeons even death may die. This wallet makes an awesome gift.

I’ll expect it gift wrapped though. And throw me a surprise party and invite all of my friends. Aw, you shouldn’t have. *whispers* Yes you should have. Where’s the ice cream and party hats?

Haunted English Bible

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Haunted English Bible
Is this Haunted English Bible really haunted? Put your hand on the bible and swear it! The seller of this bible claims that among other incidents, “The last time she was attacked, she was pulled by her hair and dragged down the stairs getting bruises all over her body,”

Okay so it sounds like they are dealing with the ghost of a horny caveman. The pulling by the hair is a dead giveaway. He was trying to pull her into his ghost cave and do some prehistoric porkin’. Some Neanderthal nasty. Some good old fashioned Flintstones f***ing! Naturally he would show her his cave paintings after. That’s only gentlemanly. How his spirit got attached to an English bible, I have no idea. Anyway, haunting solved!
Read more “Haunted English Bible”

Miniature Gold Toilet With Opening Lid Necklace

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Miniature Gold Toilet With Opening Lid Necklace
This is the kind of bling I’m looking for. A Miniature Gold Toilet With Opening Lid Necklace. I bet it even has a little diamond poop inside too. I always wanted a gold toilet, so I could show it to all the peeps on MTV cribs when they come to check out my sweet Hollywood mansion. Obviously that never happened, but at least I can wear this cool gold commode and pretend.

Toilet bling. That’s what I’m talking about. Now do I put the picture of a loved one inside the lid or someone I hate?

Adjustable Snake Eye Ring

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Adjustable Snake Eye Ring
This ring is coming up snake eyes! This Adjustable Snake Eye Ring puts a pair of snake eyes on your finger. Along with it’s icky yucky snake skin. I love this ring. Whenever anyone displeases me I’m gonna raise my ring and shout, “The eyes of the snake are upon you. Back off lest ye be judged by the serpent god!” I have no idea what that means, but it sounds cool as hell and scary. And when they look into those snake eyes, they will feel the wrath of the serpent.

Speaking of which, I’m feeling the wrath of the serpent right now. Me go pee pee. Bye bye.