Author: Artemis Winterford

Alien Body Mummified Remains

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Alien Body Mummified Remains
Oh man, these Alien Body Mummified Remains are freaky. It’s like Roswell all over again. Looks like Roger from American Dad, only more shriveled and fighting allergies from hell. Unless those puffy eyes are lady-parts. You never know with aliens. I’m gonna bust the government E.T. conspiracy wide open. I’ll set up an old black and white camera and do an autopsy. An alien autopsy. I don’t think that’s ever been done before. Right? What? Oh right. Well, I was in a coma for most of the 90s.

A government induced coma. Because I knew too much about the alien agenda- BRB doorbell.

A man dressed in black just called me Rip Van Winkle and told me to shut my stupid truth-hole unless I want another long nappy time. So I’m out.

Rock Lobster With Waves Hat

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Rock Lobster
Ladies and gentlemen, for one night only, I present…Rock Lobster and the Waves! Crowd goes wild.

I hate trying to pick up women wearing a Rock Lobster With Waves Hat. You gotta start with small talk, then turn the heat up real gently over a few hours until she’s ready. It’s too much work. And I’m no Don Juan Prawn. Besides, she makes too many waves. Treats me like a shrimp. Also very grabby and it hurts.

Tru Blood Blood Orange Carbonated Soda Drink

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Tru Blood Blood Orange Carbonated Soda Drink
Tru Blood. It’s what Vampires drink, when they aren’t all trying to fang-bang Sookie Stackhouse. Now you can drink it too thanks to this Tru Blood Blood Orange Carbonated Soda Drink. The idea is that vampires drink this stuff so they won’t have to attack us mortals. But now that humans are drinking Tru-Blood, our blood is going to taste like Tru-Blood. So why shouldn’t vampires feed off of us? It makes no sense.

I drink garlic drinks. Keeps the vamps away. And everyone else.

Real Preserved Spiderweb Pendant

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Real Preserved Spiderweb Pendant
Want to wear a real spiderweb? I mean, I already wear them, but that’s only because a blogger seldom moves from their chair.You can wear a real spiderweb with this Real Preserved Spiderweb Pendant. It is genuine silky spider thread from the spider’s poop-sac, preserved in pressed glass and made into a pendant. Hopefully it won’t attract actual spiders who want to live there while you are wearing it.

If your name is Charlotte this is your web. Wear it Charlotte. Wear it.

Now You Can Really Play The World’s Smallest Violin

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Now You Can Really Play The World's Smallest Violin
Complain, complain, complain! Let me play the world’s smallest violin. That’s right. It really exists and I’m really playing it. Now listen as it provides the proper ambiance and atmosphere for your whining.

You’re really playing it.

That’s right.

I thought that was just a saying.

It was. Now it’s a real thing, because I’m awesome. It sounds amazing. *Snap.* Nuts! Broke a string. Now I gotta find the world’s smallest violin repairman.