Author: Artemis Winterford

Weird Scented Crying Candles

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Weird Scented Crying Candles
These Scented Crying Candles look like they’re crying when lit inside of their decorative bases. Crybaby! Cry candle! Go ahead and cry for your mommy! Ya dingus!

These candles make me sad. Not really. I like having somebody to bully by candle light. Wipe those tears ya pansy! *Crying myself. Talking all raspy in cry-voice.* It’s what daddy used to say to me. So shut up. Crybaby. You don’t even know….

Syke. *Points and laughs at candle.* Quit yer crying Jon Cryer. You cry so much you’re like a Terminator from Cry-berdyne? Are you Cry-net, trying to take over the world with tears?
Read more “Weird Scented Crying Candles”

Crazy Baby Octo-Fetus

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Crazy Baby Octo-Fetus
Octo-Fetus doesn’t need us. It just wants the human race out of it’s fetus face.

Here is the sonogram of your new baby. Would you like to know the baby’s sex?

*Stares with mouth hanging open. Shuts mouth with hand. Turns to wife.*

You told me you and Cthulhu were just friends. That explains the day I came home early to find his tentacles all over you. He’s a licensed masseuse you said. Didn’t put one tentacle where it didn’t belong you said. Well, he put something somewhere.
Read more “Crazy Baby Octo-Fetus”

UFO Beaming Up A Cow

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

UFO Beaming Up A Cow
Hey cow, you’re drunk. Go home! You are supposed to go INTO the beam and be lifted into the UFO so you can be cattle that’s mutilated. Not cattle that’s dry-humping a beam of light and threatening to put the alien craft off kilter.

*UFO falters and rocks. Alien looks out of a window. Ducks back in to make some adjustments. The cow moos and climbs up higher. The craft stalls and falls sideways with tractor beam still on. The tractor beam uproots a tree and sucks it into itself, impaling the craft. Lights go out. Beam flickers and shuts off. Cow just walks off like it’s just another UFO on it’s kill list.*

Nightmare Before Christmas Violins

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Nightmare Before Christmas Violins
Etsy seller ChildatHeartPainter makes all kinds of cool Tim Burton inspired violins and guitars and stuff. They’re pretty cool. Practice makes perfect. You ask me, practice is just the nightmare before concert.

Reminds me of that one cello concert I was dragged to once. The guy gets up on stage and he’s all like, “Ladies and gentlemen…Yo Yo Ma!” And I swear he was looking at me when he said it.

Naturally, I was all like, “The f**k? What’d you say about my ma?” Then I rushed the stage and gave him a refreshing drink. Of Hawaiian punch! See, my fists had been on vacation until now.

Just as the cops were rushing onto the stage, the other guy explained that, “No. I am Yo Yo Ma!”

“Shut up. My mom is not a yo-yo! You haven’t all had a spin! Stop saying that!” That was when the cops tasered me. I hate classical music.
Read more “Nightmare Before Christmas Violins”

Deer Anatomy: A Deer In The Stomach

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Deer Anatomy
Oh deer. Or is it a doe? I can never tell. Doh! Is that a deer in your stomach or are you just happy to see me? This piece of art called Deer Anatomy is all about eating a deer whole. And then letting that deer relax in the enchanted forest that is your gut.

So that’s what that rumbling was in my stomach. My deer is always super hungry.

Feed meeeeeeee!

Shut it deer!