Dinosaur Fossil Coasters

Dinosaur Fossil Coasters
People often say to me, “Shut up you old fossil” or “Who dug up that old fossil?” By people, I mean kids. I usually just shake my fist and mutter. Like it’s my fault that male pattern baldness and lady hips magically appeared on my 18th birthday. I’m from the GMO generation. My endocrines disrupted like it was a party up in here and it’s ladies night! Oh what a night! 30 is the new “Holy f**k it’s coffin buying time.” I got the cheapest option with the brass handles BTW. Just in case you want to know.

Anyway, these dinosaur fossil coasters are friggin’ awesome. No bones about it. If I wasn’t already using fast food napkins, I’d be on these in a heartbeat. These is classy. Enjoy them before you’re 30.
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Nightmare Before Christmas Zero Life Size Glow in the Dark Sculpture

Nightmare Before Christmas Zero Life Size Glow in the Dark Sculpture
This Nightmare Before Christmas Zero Life Size Glow in the Dark Sculpture looks like that dog from that movie, from that guy with the weird hair and weird wife, that he just divorced cuz his heart belongs to Johnny Depp.

What up Zero? Why so negative? It’s like you are null and void. Empty. Nothing to say? Well, thanks for nothing.

Get it? Because zero.

Whatevs. It’s almost 9 AM. Oh Danny boy….The booze, the booze is calling…

Fruit Bat Necklace

Fruit Bat Necklace
Wear this fruit bat necklace and let the cute little guy have a go at your own low hanging fruit. Hey, nothing wrong with low hanging fruit. It’s the easiest to pluck. You should see my man-mammaries. My fruit hangs so low to my gut, I got a fruit basket. It’s the gift I give myself.

Yes yes. I’m sure you are all firm and tight. *rolls eyes* Anyway, let this fruit bat sleep above your breasts. No, not me. Though I wouldn’t mind. I would be a good little fruit bat, I promise. I’m talking ’bout fruit bat!
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Hooter Hoister Power Lift Bra

Hooter Hoister Power Lift Bra
Gravity is a Biatch! Sometimes you need a little help. Like from this Hooter Hoister Power Lift Bra. It helps hoist your hooters just like the package says.

Say, I wonder if they make this for pizza/beer gut. Right now I’m using a sophisticated pulley system with suspenders. Let me know if any of you guys have any solutions. Besides the obvious, which is “stop being a fat ____!” I already heard that one. Many times.

T-Rex Paper Mask

T-Rex Paper Mask
Make your own T-Rex Paper Mask and look all scary. You’ll have to provide your own stubby little arms.

Speaking of stubby little arms, T-Rex dinosaurs are terrible boxers. No reach. The whole match is like one long violent hug that never quite connects. Which explains why Universal never bought my script “Jurassic Punch”. That was a pretty big plot-hole. You live, you learn.
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