Author: Artemis Winterford

Val Kilmer Paper Doll

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val kilmer paper doll
You loved him in Willow. You hated him in Batman. Now is your chance to dress Val Kilmer up anyway you like and make him look like a sissy-boy thanks to this Val Kilmer Paper Doll.

Just like mom did to me. Sadly, some of that stuff looks like it came from my closet, but whatevs. I look way better in that striped “smock”. It’s not a dress. It’s a smock. For a schmuck.

Have Val Kilmer in the palm of your hand with this unique paper doll set. Perching a hat, or a bow on his head, and marvel at how softly his hair falls on his shoulders. Explore his body with two dimensional dresses, slacks and bathing suits. With so many outfits and accessories to choose from, you’ll be wishing you and Val wore the same size.
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Creepy Plague Doctor Mask

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creepy plague doctor mask
“The Plague Doctor will see you now.”

“Oh thank God. Hey Doc I got this- WTF! What kind of foul trick is this? Where did you get your doctorate? Perdue? Get it? Cuz your a bird faced weirdo? You gonna give me a flu shot? Let me guess. Is it the bird flu? Or the bird flew? Damn I crack myself up. You look like a flapper. Wing flapper that is! Well, you probably already gave me the plague so I’m outta here to go spread it.”
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Apple Watch For Poor People

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apple watch for poor people
Sweet! An Apple watch that I can actually afford! Looks close enough to fool people from like 2 miles away too. I’ll probably still have to upgrade this one every friggin’ year!

The down side is that it breaks super easy, which is okay with me because I can’t even figure how to tell the damn time on it. Maybe one of those genius dudes can explain it to me. You know it’s awesome cuz of how thin it is.
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Dinosaur Bride & Groom Wedding Cake Toppers

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dinosaur bride and groom cake topper
Do you take this T-Rex, in extinction and in health, till death do you part by fiery meteor shower that reigns death upon the Earth? You do? You may now kiss the bride.

These Dinosaur Bride & Groom Wedding Cake Toppers are perfect for couples who can’t hug each other due to small stubby arms. Or, you know, just people who like dinosaurs. Which reminds me, I have a Jurassic Park playset and action figures that I need to get back to. Laterz!
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Ouija Cutting Board

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ouija cutting board
Hey look! An Eatja board. Clever word-pun for a Ouija Board cutting board. You can remind yourself of that little laugh when you cut your finger on this thing while chopping vegetables as your blood runs into the various letters spelling E-F-F-I-N-G…O-U-C-H!

I like to slap a piece of steak down and cut a hole in the middle, then place my fingers down gently and watch that flesh move across the board as I look for guidance on my meal. *Meat moves* H-A-V-E…A…S-A-L-A-D!

The other side really is full of evil!!!! GET OUT OF HERE SATAN! *Throws board in my grill and lights it on fire. Uses fire to cook steak.*
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