Author: Artemis Winterford

Dragon Flower Pot Is Perfect For Snap Dragons

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dragon flower pot
This Dragon flower pot is perfect for Snap Dragons. You know, those flowers that look like dragon heads, that you can play with and move it’s jaws open and shut. I only reason I know what they are is because I got in trouble for “relieving myself” in the neighbor’s garden. Seems I “Burnt” Mrs. Everitt’s prize Snap Dragons with my “devil’s urine”. I remember it well…

*Swirling graphics, turning into a distorted haze*

“Look at what you’ve done. You idiot! You imbecile! Nothing but a shriveled mess! It’s as if the Earth were salted and a swarm of locusts hit these plants. Clearly you have the devil in you!”

“In my pee? It does sometimes burn… Now, now. Let’s not be unkind. The shriveling is because I just got out of the shower. I can assure you that shrinkage is quite normal. A woman of your considerable age should understand-”

“You idiot! The flowers! All shriveled and and burnt!”

“It’s not like I peed in your garden.”

“What?”

“Yeah, I’m not a friggin’ animal. We only have one bathroom and the wife locked me out. So I peed in an empty monster drink can, like ya do, and just tossed it into your garden. I think you owe me an apology Mrs. Everitt. No worries. Oh, I noticed that your Petunias have a similar problem. Glad to be of help.”

American Werewolf In London Painting

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american werewolf in london painting
Yep. I went on a trip to London last year and this American Werewolf In London Painting looks about right. Except my sweatpants were hanging way lower and I prefer Burger King. Plus, my bike had a bell.

Ding ding. Ding ding. Fat American tourist coming through. Out of the way. You damn English make it impossible to juggle 3 Whoppers, 4 orders of fries, a happy meal and an ice cream cone.

On the plus side Londoners are really good about you falling off of your bike and having a heart attack. Got me an ambulance in no time. Thanks Gov! Health care there is awesome too. I was on my feet and back to being a disgusting American in no time. MURICA!

Stainless Steel Jail Cell Toilet & Sink Removed From Police Station

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prison toilet
Cool. Now I can have an authentic Jail cell toilet and sink. I hope they cleaned out all of the convict pee pee and poopy. This is the perfect toilet for me, because every time I poop, it feels like my colon is serving 30 to life. It’s made of stainless steel, but you and I both know that once you get home from Taco Bell, there’s gonna be a stain of epic proportions. Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time! Ha ha ha.

And as far as wee wee goes, you have to drain your dragon in a toilet made for the penal system. Get it? Penal system? Well, I’m off to trade some smokes for my continued virginity.
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Hashtag Costume #Costume

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hash tag costume
The hash is a smash! You’ve used it on social media. You have abused it. Now you can be one with the hashtag. Or, you know, just use it to play tic-tac-toe on yourself.

Hey, it beats skin tags. It also beats a rashtag. It’s the all around super smash tag. Wear it with the wrong colors and it’s a clash tag. Share it, wear it, get on social media and declare it!

Disclaimer: I’m really not that excited about this costume, which is basically four strips of fabric, but I had like 4 lattes and a bag of oreos so even Dr. Phil felt awesome today. I kept swearing it was up for an Emmy until I sugar crashed and woke up to The View. I screamed and passed out again.

This Wolf Motorcycle Helmet is Hairy And Scary

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wolf helmet
Hey there Little Red Riding Hood. You’re everything a big bad wolf could want. Why don’t you hop on my motorcycle and I’ll take ya to grandma’s house. You know this wolf helmet is awesome because it comes from Wolfhelmet.com. They aren’t messing around. They are all wolf helmet. All of the time.

Now when you do those sweet-ass stunts like jumping over fiery barrels, you can look awesome as your leg snaps in half. You may even be tempted to grab that hunk of meat by the bone and start gnawing on yourself. Cuz you know, Wolf helmet will transform you.

That’s how you know that you are a bad ass biker dude. You wipe out, you wolf down some dinner. That’s why you don’t see packs of werewolves on bikes. You wipe out, they feed, until there is only one.
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