Author: Artemis Winterford

Hobbit Hole Playhouse Kits

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hobbit hole play house
*Picks up guitar and starts pluckin’ all twangy and southern. Sings.*

Well I prefer hobbits to Lorena Bobbitts.
Yes I prefer Hobbits to Lorena Bobbitts.

I don’t need no Frodo
slicing up my scroto.

Don’t need no Lady Bilbo
cutting off their own *beep*

It rhymes with Bilbo. Heh heh. Well, that’s all I have so far, but I’m hoping to get the final track included in the next epic 9 hour nerd-fest. I just wanted to pop in and say how cool these Hobbit Hole Playhouse Kits are. They come from Etsy seller Hobbitholes. There’s plenty of room inside for a nerd and a cat. *So basically, you’re house hunting?* Oh har de har har. Aren’t you a barrel of laughs. But seriously, do you think I can swing the mortgage on this baby? I have a down payment of a half eaten pack of Rolos and some Starburst wrappers.
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Mummified Mouse In A Pocket Watch

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taxidermy mouse pocket watch
Check it out mouseketeers. It’s a genuine Mummified Mouse In A Pocket Watch, all floating there like a rodent Timelord, cranking up the gears of time, like he’s riding some rat bike into infinity and beyond. He’s probably playing the Doctor Who music in his head, squinting as he concentrates his mind powers.

Back…Back…Time…Space…Back to a time before Justin Bieber and Jar Jar Binks. Then when his little gears and levers reach 88 miles per hour this watch burns a hole in some hipster’s pocket and the mouse is off to put right what once went wrong. Hoping each time that his next leap will be the leap home.

*Blue energy everywhere. Pew pew! Crackle! Flash!* Cue Quantum Leap music.

OH BOY!
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Brain Coffee Mug

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brain mug
My brain isn’t awake until it has had at least one cup of coffee. This Brain Coffee Mug is exactly what I need to stare at while my own brain is getting kickstarted. I won’t have any idea what the hell any of this fancy medical stuff means, so I’ll just feel dumb.

This mug will remind me that I am just a sack of meat with a lump of cauliflower between my ears telling me not to eat so much junk food. Screw you brain, what do you know? *Everything* Well, yeah. Technically you know everything, but can you can’t do squat without my motor control. So there.

*Half hour later*

Stupid brain. I can’t believe I let you take control of my body and made me make a healthy salad. Now it’s on! Now do you see why I pig out? Just for that I am going on an all night pastry binge! And stop making me talk all awkward to the girls I meet, or I swear I’ll fill ya so full of Jack Daniels you’ll think you are in a specimen jar. Stupid brain. Drinking is the only time I get any peace.

Space Unicorn Faux Taxidermy

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taxidermy space unicorn
*What’s that?* Oh, that’s just my trusty Space Unicorn. He doesn’t do much. Just sits there. Looks awesome. No lasers shoot from the eyes and it doesn’t poop glitter. It just does it’s own awesome thing. It was probably attracted to my awesome manliness and my sweet bachelor pad. *Yeah right. It was probably attracted to your virginity!*

Hey, you take that back! *Can’t take back what hasn’t been lost yet* Fair enough. I just like it because it’s pretty and sparkly.

It Pennywise Zip-Up Hoodie

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It Pennywise Zip Up Hoodie
Use chilly weather as an excuse to frighten everyone who encounters you. That’s what this It Pennywise Zip-Up Hoodie is all about. He’s the clown from the Stephen King book “It”. I bet that title took him like two minutes to come up with. I never read the book, but I’m assuming he was a carnival clown who drives around in a car named Christine, while working part time at the Pet Sematary, until he gets lost in the Dead Zone and encounters the Dark Tower. I could be wrong.

Could be that he is just a crazy clown who’s misunderstood. Whatevs. His flesh makes for a good hoodie.