Author: Artemis Winterford

Shark Bite Adult Sleeping Bag

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shark sleeping bagI love this Shark Bite Adult Sleeping Bag. You can get in and shark all around the floor, all flippy floppy like a shark out of water, until you find your roommate’s leg hanging off the side of the couch and take a giant bite while he’s watching Shark Week. Dude, shut your hole. Stop screaming! The neighbors are going to complain. It’s just a flesh wound. Jesus, what a baby!

This sleeping bag is 6 feet 3 inches long. Plenty big enough for an adult human to be the predator of the house. I would advise you to go for the head first to avoid the screams of your prey.

Basket Full Of Skulls

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skull eggs basket
Nothing says creepy like a basket full of skulls. Hey, why not? I put a basket of fruit on the counter and it just goes bad. It’s not like I eat fruits and vegetables. If I did, I would not have just marked the second week of no pooping on my calendar. It has now become an official holiday, since my cramps made me stay home from work today. My boss does not agree.

Nah. I lied. I don’t work. My full time job remains squeezing and grunting until I pass out. Sure it would be much easier if I just ate a friggin’ vegetable once in a while, but I ain’t no quitter. I start something, I see it through. I’ll get it out eventually. How the hell did I get from “basket of skulls” to this?

Just stressed. I’m pooped from trying to poop.
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Diablo Night Light

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diablo night light
Put your kids to bed with a night light based on the ultimate dark one himself, Diablo. This Diablo night light will have your kid a shivering wreck as he or she tries to sleep, praying to their God in Heaven that this beast does not drag them down into the underworld.

Make sleepy time a highway to hell. It measures 4″ x 6″ x 2.5″, but will seem much larger as it glows it’s fearsome glow into the darkness.

Bigfoot Research Kit

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bigfoot research kit
*Removes “Gone Squachin'” sign* I’m back and you’ll be happy to know that I’ve bagged a Bigfoot. It took a few drinks and a story about how I was in the CIA, but she eventually came around. The bag was strictly for my protection, because her feet weren’t the only things about her that were big and ugly. Oh, I also caught a Sasquatch.

Turns out all you need is the “In Search Of” theme music mixed with the “X-Files” theme music and a poster of a half naked Dana Scully nailed to a tree. Oh and this Bigfoot Research Kit helps too. Just makes you all official.

Well, I’m off to teach it sign language and how to get snacks from the convenience store. They won’t even notice the difference from when this hairy ape goes in and fills a cart with slim jims and doritos. They’ll probably ask if I got a haircut.

Flashing Sound Activated Equalizer Music Helmet: DJ Creepface

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Flash Sound activated helmetNothing is going to scare the hell out of a bunch of kids tripping balls faster than DJ Creepface wearing this Flashing Sound Activated Equalizer Music Helmet. This noise activated helmet flashes in time with the beat of the music. Do they even have raves anymore? Do you even rave bro?

Well, I raved about that new flavor of Doritos. Then there was that bacon wrapped Little Ceasers pizza. So yeah, I rave! Granted it’s all just trippy music and a light show as I dance around my living room and eat pizza while rubbing my belly, but that totally counts.