Author: Artemis Winterford

Baby Head Theremin

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Baby Head Theremin
This Baby Head Theremin is the scariest musical instrument ever. It’s eyes glow red. And since you play a theremin by moving your hands in the air, you will basically look like you are rubbing a creepy baby head for a long time and making a wish. I wish I had a real musical instrument. I wish you would stop looking at me baby! You’re ruining my performance. I wish you were less creepy. I wish I wasn’t all out of wishes!

Just imagine the creepy music of a theremin combined with this monstrosity. It has some kind of fancy sensor on the top of it’s head where the soft spot is on a baby too, making all the weirder.
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The HeadBlade: A Car Head Shaver That Is Fast And Furious

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headblade shaverThe Headblade shaver is basically a razor with a little matchbox car attached. Vroom. Vroom. Ride and groom. It lets those bald tough guy types shave their heads super fast and super furious! Well, this one looks like an ATV, which I guess is fine, because it is going off road and onto bald mountain.

Maybe buy two. That way you and a buddy can get some racing action going on another friend’s head. Put some Nintendo figures on these and you can call it Super Mario Shavers. “Why does my head feel all bloody guys?” That’s not blood. It’s red mud. These tires really tear up the track. Quit your crying and keep still. I’m almost caught up to Luigi.
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Crazy Ronald McDonald Up-cycled Vinyl Record & Clock

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ronald mcdonald record clock
WTF? Did I just stumble into the McDonalds-land delivery room? Yes. Yes I did. This is a Ronald McDonald Vinyl Record & Clock. The scene being depicted is of the Clown Prince of GMO delivering what is apparently his own baby, who is already wearing a weird little rope diaper. Also a portal to hell has opened in the upper right, letting in a bunch of eyeball bats.

Raise him right Ronald. Learn from your mistakes with Grimace and the Hamburglar. Mayor McCheese was the only kid that really made something of himself. A Cheeseburger.

Gigantic Alien Monster Sound System

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alien monster sound system
This Gigantic Alien Monster Sound System has landed on Earth to rock you like a hurricane. Gather around and prepare to be blown away by it’s gigantic speakers. Then prepare to be disappointed, because all he wants to play is coldplay. Hey, that’s some heavy teenage rage shizz where he comes from. It’s not his fault your ears are on your head instead of on your butt-flaps like a normal sentient creature.

This awesome Alien Monster Sound System will cost you $22,706.63 The 63 cents is an awesome tax. Mandatory for something this friggin’ righteous. I’m gonna stand right up in front of him and proclaim that I am ready to rock! Then when the first sound hits the speakers I’m gonna be thrown like 500 feet. Again! Again!
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Dinosaur Toothbrush Holders

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dinosaur toothbrush holder
My parents used to say, “Brush your teeth, or you’ll go extinct like the dinosaurs!” My grandparents used to say, “Bwush or teef or ul gah estint lit da vinotars.” My grandparents had no teeth. And were dinosaurs. So they knew what they were talking about.

Brush your teeth kids. Like boobs and testes, you only get one set. And these Dinosaur Toothbrush Holders from Etsy seller SnarlingBunny(Stop snarling at me! Why are you foaming at the mouth? Great, I have rabies now!) make brushing fun.
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