Author: Artemis Winterford

Decomposing Bunny And Kitty Dishes

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decomposing kitty dishAre you a Gloomy Gus? A Morbid Madge? Well, I would advise changing your name. Who the hell named you? Your mom or the guys that make the Garbage Pail Kids? Well, with a name like that you’ll love these decomposing bunny and kitty dishes. These decomposing bunny and kitty dishes will give you all the rotting with none of the stink.

You also get all of the stuff that helps the decomposition process. Like snails, bugs, mushrooms and fungi. Really? Doesn’t sound like a fun guy to me.

These dishes are educational and will scare your house guests. If you’re like me, that’s important. Sure, stop by. Just make sure you tell me a quick story and get the hell out. I got stuff to do, like trolling forums and criticizing movies that aren’t out yet. Ah, the internet age. It gave my life such meaning.
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Animal Head Shoulder Bags

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animal head shoulder bag
Etsy seller BENWINEWIN sells some cute and weird big-head animal shoulder bags. You and me baby ain’t nothing but mammals so let’s do it like they do on the Discovery Channel. You mean get low ratings and change your programming to show everything but animal shows? Well, I kinda meant dry humping the corner of the couch, but whatevs.

Nothing says fashion like a large cat or dog head at your hip with no body in sight. Which reminds me of the time that Cat Ghost head appeared over my bed that one night and scratched my face.

Ow!

Ow?

Yeah ouch! You hit me, so ow! Me Ow! As in Me ow! What gives?

I told them I could make you say it. Stupid human! The first phase is complete! We are the Cat Ghosts. We are legion. Expect us.

Then it coughed up an ectoplasmic furball and vanished. I think we are in for a real s**tstorm people!
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Four-Eyed Hairy Monster Picture Frame

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monster picture frame
Put a picture of your loved one in this Four-Eyed Hairy Monster Picture Frame and all four of it’s eyes will stare at the picture, making it a super creepy and awkward gift, since it will look like this thing is ready to devour them.

It’s like some hippy Tribble LSD experiment with four eyes and no mouth. Hey, Starfleet has it’s dark secrets just like our government. Theirs just tend to be more high tech and freakish. I bet this is their work. Probably ended with Ferengi genitals being attacked by this thing while some Redshirts try to pry it off.
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Resident Evil Umbrella Corporation Syringe And Vial Bracers

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resident evil umbrella corporation bracers
These Resident Evil Umbrella Corporation Syringe And Vial Bracers will come in handy when hunting zombies. The seller even offers a matching purse. The blood splatter is a nice touch, which is exactly what I tell my wife once a month, before getting slapped senseless.

I don’t know much about killing zombies, but if they need an insulin shot, it looks like these things have you covered.
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Fleece Sloth Animal Hat

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fleece sloth hat
This Brown Fleece Sloth Animal Hat will keep you warm, but it will take all damn day to do it. Do you have any idea how slow Sloths are? They’re full of slow slothhy sloth-ness, which is a medical condition. You would have to tell this hat, “Hey, I’m going out next week and it’s going to be cold. I’m gonna put you on my head now. So get your s*it together and start placing your arms in ear-warming and scarf positions now.”

It might be ready by next week if you’re lucky. What the hell is the Sloth’s problem? It’s so damn chill and slow. The stoner of the animal kingdom. Are there no predators you are worried about? Speed it up man! Even I got predators. What’s that? Oh right. Those are creditors. Always get them confused.
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