Author: Artemis Winterford

Custom Gamecube Purse

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Gamecube Purse
This Custom Gamecube Purse is perfect if your name is Princess Zelda or Princess Peach. Also if you want to be able to cave some guy’s skull in when they try to steal your purse. I say, if a woman is going to wear a Gamecube purse, she should at least let a nerd like me plug my controller into her port, but then again, I’ll use any excuse to both talk to a woman and to plug my controller in her port.

Why isn’t it working? You are my dream woman, but where’s your screen? I have to say I’m very disappointed.

Speculum Bird, Nuff Said

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speculum bird
A-well-a, everybody’s heard about the bird. Bird, bird, bird, b-bird is the word. I can’t be certain, but I think the Speculum Bird has a gynecological office somewhere in LA. The ladies seem to like him, even when he is feeling peckish.

This art piece is for the birds and is apparently based on a dream the artist had. Now if you will excuse me, I have to go have a nightmare.

Wine-O-Saur Wooden Dinosaur Wine Racks

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dinosaur wine holder
These Wine-O-Saur Wooden Dinosaur Wine Racks turn your wine bottles into decorative dinosaurs. Wino meet wine-o-saur. Drink up and let the good times roll until your sobriety is good and extinct. I’m more of a Whine-O-Saur. Maybe a Dine-O-Saur.

Hands off that Wine-O-Saur. That wine is… Mine-O-Saur. Gonna drink it with a Min-O-Taur. Until three-0-four. A.M. Then I’m gonna sleep all day because I’ve earned it.
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Convict Conditioning Workout Book

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convict conditioning workout book
You gotta keep strong in the joint, but enough about the family jewels! God, I crack me up. No, seriously, you have to be big and bag or else you are going to get a shiv in the kidney from that big guy who trades Wrigley’s Spearmint gum for secret meetings in the bathroom. Which only leads to needing more breath freshening gum. It’s a viscious circle of prison life.

If you don’t have smokes to trade for your safety, you have to be tough. You gotta have Convict Conditioning. And I ain’t talking shampoo with moisturizer in it.

Use this book to get a rock hard body and be buff and tough and gruff. Remember, the bigger the muscle, the smaller the shiv. Know what I’m sayin’? It’s all about using limited equipment to get the maximum workout, even in Maximum Security.

Last Supper Clothing: Surprisingly Doesn’t Cost 30 Pieces Of Silver

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last supper skirt and shirt
Dining with Jesus? Wear this Last Super Skirt and Dress! Hey Jesus. What up? Should be a good meal. Did you order yet? I hear the fries are awesome here. What? Nah, it’s just a dress. Doesn’t mean anything. Chill dude. How about turning my water into wine here?*gulp* Gotta be honest. Tastes more like vinegar.

Well it’s been a slice. Gotta go. Hey let me take care of the bill. No, it’s my pleasure. Passes some silver to the guy behind me.
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