Author: Artemis Winterford

Keep Cozy With Cthulhu: Tentacle Body Pillows

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cthulhu tentacle pillowSleep in the loving gentle embrace of Cthulhu with these tentacle body pillows from Etsy seller Teacupity. There are several variations available. Different colors, different suckers… Just be careful that they don’t pull you down into some dark alternate plain of existence.

Interesting fact: Every woman I’ve ever shared a bed with calls me Cthulhu, cuz I’m all grabby like an ancient terror with eight arms. And by every woman, I mean one woman. And when I say shared a bed, I mean for like 2 seconds at a mattress store. The good news is that they now have my picture on the wall. The bad news is, I’m still sleeping on two cat beds pushed together.

Click through for more images.
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Bowling Zombies Wooden Novelty Game

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Bowling Zombies Wooden Novelty GameThis Bowling Zombies Wooden Novelty Game looks like a fun way to spend a Friday night. Better than how I usually spend it, crying at the foot of a large Scarlett Johansson poster with a bottle of whiskey and rolling a D20 in the corner, wishing I had some friends to play D and D with.

Stupid “friends”. You get drunk one time and level your character up to a Sexy Stripper/Wizard street walker, with a resistance to Orc Pimp b*tch slaps and suddenly you are shunned like an Amish butter churner who showed a bit of ankle. It probably didn’t help that this took place at my sister’s women’s gaming group.

Oh yeah, this zombie game looks like some serious undead fun. Stack ’em up and knock ’em down. The problem is, the undead get right back up. You are in for a long night of Zombie bowling my friend.
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The Selfie Brush

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The Selfie BrushThe Selfie Brush. Always look your best by combining your phone with your hair brush. Brush that hair, then make some duck lips and take an awesome selfie. This plastic brush holds your iPhone in the back, next to the mirror. Because you know, you love yourself so much. And the whole world has to see you at your best. Several times a day.
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Custom Venus Flytrap Halloween Prop

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venus flytrapGreat. Halloween will be here soon. Or as I like to call it, “The one night I get to walk down the street and sh*t myself repeatedly because everything and everyone in the neighborhood are all scary and out to get me.” I’m not afraid though. This year I’m wearing my big-boy pants. A 40 waist if you must know. But I’m gonna work out on Halloween. Just long enough to get some candy.

Gonna be brave and not yell for my mommy this year when a mummy hands me candy and brushes my hand. I mean, I’m still gonna shriek and run to her(She waits on the sidewalk), but I’m not gonna freak out and have her call me a “fat pasty man-baby” again as she curses my father.

Anyway, check out this awesome $900 Venus Fly Trap Halloween prop. Gonna put this outside so it will be the flies that sh*t themselves.
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Bathroom Guest Book: Sorry About The Smell

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bathroom guest bookMake your bathroom all fancy by offering your guests this Bathroom Guestbook. It builds lasting memories of those who came and left something of themselves behind. It also helps you keep track of who has been in your poop-room. Let your guests express themselves on the throne.

Sorry about the dark cloud and subsequent brown film that has settled on the walls. Couldn’t find a match. Signed, I.P. Freely (The poop is what takes awhile).
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