Not enough evil clowns in your life? Decorate your home with these Evil Clown String Lights. Can you hear them laughing? Stop laughing at me! Stop! *Covers ears.* Why do you torment me? Why? What happened to your front tooth? Leave me alone! *Falls to knees and starts crying. Microwave dings!*
Oh….Hot Pockets. Check you later psycho telepathic clowns! Nom nom nom.
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Little Nosferatu just chillin’ like a spider,
Bit a girl,
Then wrapped her up,
Now he’s got to hide her.
He got two sharp fangs and a hobo’s coat,
You see him coming, that’s all she wrote!
I call that poem, “Chillin’ like a Spider!” It’s part of my upcoming poetry book entitled, “Failed the fifth grade, quit in the twelfth. Buy this damn book and put it on your shelf!”
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What the hell!? I said peek-a-boo! Not cut out your damn eyeballs and put ’em in your hands and look at me with your hands. You are one sick individual. I don’t think I want to play with you anymore. *Crosses arms over chest* I might even call my mom to come pick me up.
Hey, this explains why you always find me when we play hide and go seek. Sure, you covered your eyes. With your… hand-eyes. What the- You were looking at the bottom of the deck every time you dealt on poker night, weren’t you? No, put your hands down. it’s not cute. No. Bad…. Oh, I can’t stay mad at you my Pale Man friend. Got a secret of my own. *Displays hands palm out in front of my crotch, showing off my testes-palms.*
You think you got it bad. I gotta hold these things all day. It’s why I can’t ride a bike. Too painful holding onto the handlebars!
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Hey skull dish, I’m gonna put candy in your brain hole and let people pick your brain. I just think it will be weird. Gotta keep my reputation as the local weirdo after all, or as the local police like to refer to me. “Code 71. Named for the year of my birth. Which I may be lying about just to throw you all off. I may be 60 years old. Then again I may be 22. Blog stars need privacy is all I’m sayin’.
*Screech. Crackle.* All units be advised. We have a code 71 in progress. Now the damn fool is making dogs eat from some kind of fake skull in the park, which is attached to his shirt making it look like he has a skull head. It is making old people vomit. Use of deadly force is authorized. Please use deadly force.
If I had friends I would definitely buy this Set of 4 Zombie Coasters With Crawling Zombie. Because how could you not? That zombie is holding up all of those coasters and has a crazy look on his face like, “You messy piece of s**t. Use one and keep your drink off the furniture!”
I just slam my drinks down on Netflix disks. Yep, I’m that guy. So the next time you put your disk in the player and curse when it won’t play, I hope you’ll think of me as you send it back. *Shrugs* DVD player broke. What? I’m just supposed to send them back without getting my moneys worth?