Category: Just Plain Weird

Realistic Buried Skull Garden Stones

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

skull garden stone
If I had these Realistic Skull Garden Stones, I would just kneel over it with a brush, like I’m all Indiana Jones and just dug it up. Then my neighbor would be all like, “What ya got there?” and I’d be all like, “Shut Up Flanders! Meet the ex-wife. Guess I should have buried her deeper, but digging is hard work. And she was a big woman. Guess I better do it right this time. Anyway, get off my lawn!”

Then the SWAT team and I would have a nice laugh over lunch after they Swiss-cheese my house with bullets. I would casually mention the kilo of coke I planted “saw” in my neighbor’s car and how that’s an awfully nice house and car for someone who is unemployed. Good times. That’ll teach him to mind his own business.
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Sign Language Wall Clock

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

sign language clock
This Sign Language Wall Clock is perfect for those of us who can’t hear and can’t read numbers at the same time. Like my senile grandpa who continues to “garden” in the sink. Poor guy. He thinks his poopy diaper is actually fertilizer he bought from the garden store and that anything from my fridge is a flower. In his defense that diaper weighs about the same by the time he drops his cargo and tears it off. Damn it gramps! Stop dipping Hot Pockets and pudding pops in poo! I’ll take that bag of corn too. Looks like that’s the one crop you grow just fine!

Even he could understand this clock. I think it should show the middle finger at 6 though, because that’s when I go to work. This guy’s costing me a fortune in food and sanitizer.

Zombie Cookies: The Walking Delicious

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

zombie cookies
These zombie cookies look pretty grotesque thanks to some nice gory details. They may look rotten but they are actually sweet. Om nom nom! Chomp! Chomp! Chomp!

Hey, why are all of my zombie cookies missing their heads?

Headshots! You’re welcome! Now you can eat them safely. I also bit the heads off of all of your goldfish crackers just to be safe. Enjoy your bag of tails and let me know if there’s anything else I can do to help maam!
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Return Of The Hawn Tawn Space Pirate

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

hawn tawnYou might remember that we featured Deadgreedy’s Hawn Tawn awhile back. And of course as soon as all of you saw it you made Dead Greedy an instant success. The dude is selling his stuff at conventions, making more weird and freaky toys than ever before and basically being an art star. I tried to talk to him when I saw him at a con a few days ago, but he couldn’t be bothered since he had a babe on each arm and was sipping champagne, all while making it rain dollar bills and throwing red skittles at me. He hates the red ones and thought I put them in his dressing room.

Anyway, the dude is doing great for himself and if you missed out on buying that disturbing yet awesome Hawn Tawn figure, it’s now a kickstarter. You can make this figure a reality! For a $50 pledge you can get one of 500 figures for yourself. Maybe cut it open and put your Luke figure in it’s belly to keep him warm. If you like strange custom Star Wars figures, help him make it a reality.

Thanks for the shoutout in the kickstarter video Jeremy and never stop making weird and awesome stuff.
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Awesome Snake Scarf Is One Warm Snake-Cessory

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

snake scarf
Sweeet! This snake scarf is exactly what I need to battle the cold and look fashionably creepy this winter. I’ll wear it outside and then shed my scarf like snakeskin when inside again. You can call me Snake Plissken, or Rocky Bal-Boa constrictor. Even Cobra Commander. But don’t call me snake-neck the nerd. Them’s fighting words.

No way I’m wearing it on a plane though. I’ll ask for like one drink too many and the stewardess will be all like, “I have had it with these motherf***in’ snakes on this motherf***in’ plane!” Damn! Chill! Why don’t you sit down beside me and tell me all about it Sam Jackson. And while we’re at it, why the hell are you my stewardess today?
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