Tag: bizarre

Santa Clops Ornament

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Santa Clops Ornament
You better watch out. You better not cry. Better not pout. I’m telling you why. Santa Clops is coming to town. He’s making a list. And checking it twice. He has to check it twice, he only has one eye. Which explains why my gifts are never under the tree and why I wake up on Christmas morning to find half my sh*t broken. His depth perception sucks. Plus he’s a drunk. Either that or he just likes taking a dump in the fireplace.

If you like your Santa ornaments ugly and mutated, this blown glass ornament from Middle of Beyond is for you.

via The Awesomer

Twinkle Tush: Jewelry For You Cat’s Butt

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twinkle tush
Twinkle Tush. It’s no longer just a crude name shouted at me by construction workers, accompanied by whistles and catcalls. It’s my own fault for sewing bicycle reflectors into the butts of cut-off jeans. Hey, I like to walk at night. Safety first, fashion last. Anyway, Twinkle Tush is also shiny cat jewelry. I’m talkin’ ice. Bling bling. For your cat’s puckered butt-ring.

True to it’s name, it makes your cat’s butt twinkle like a Solid Gold Dancer. Did I date myself with that sentence? In that case, Imma go cuddle myself and have a smoke now. Maybe stroke my hair and whisper, then fall asleep. Was it good for me? It was the best baby.
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Satanic Nativity Krampus Creche

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Satanic Nativity Krampus Creche
This is a nutty nativity. Wow. Two Krampus items in one day. Like Kanye West, I think this one comes to you straight from the Illuminati. This is going to be a special nativity to add to your holiday decorations. The Krampus is born! In the little town of Death-lehem! See what I did there? You might say that Krampus arrived by immaculate deception.

It comes with assorted demons and everything you need to celebrate the birth of Krampus. I think I see the three wise men. The guy with two heads, carrying the third head hung from their belt. Then there’s baby Krampus in the manger going all goo-goo and ga-ga and probably pooping himself. Not sure which one’s are brosef and Mary. This is a pretty frightful nativity for your shelf

Merry Krampus to all and to all, a good night!
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Pants + Skirt = Skants?

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Pants Skirt Skants
It’s pants, it’s a skirt. It’s a pant-skirt. Skants. It’s for pale cave-people who need more sunlight. Apparently. They call it a transformer, but I’ve never seen Optimus Prime wearing this thing. Can’t decide between pants or a skirt? Just wear this. They look like some kind of weird prison pants. Prisoner number Skants step forward. I mean shuffle. Shuffle forward. Hands where I can see ’em.

Gollum loves them: Ssskants are my precious. Sometimes me wants a ssskirt, sometimes me wants pantsss. Me wants ssshuffle underground. Ssskanks is mine. I means ssskants! No sssunlight! *Hissssss* *Crawls off into the darkness.*

This Honey Bear Is A Jar Head

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Pickled Circus
This Honey Bear found the honey pot. Probably because it was a honey pot that was designed to lure him in. Know what I mean? *Psst* (A honey pot means a woman’s naughty parts) This has happened to me a few times too, which is why I’m looking through a large pickle jar as I type this. What? I was hungry. I’ll work my way out eventually.

The only problem is it’s taken like a half hour just to write this cuz it gets foggy in here. That’s why I installed some makeshift windshield wipers on the inside using some wire hangers and a swiffer. The swiffer really helped with my breath smell too.

I have to go to the ER now, cuz last time I tried breaking the glass I just ended up with the world’s sharpest necklace. Laterz.