Tag: cool

Needle Felted Octopus Tentacles

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Needle Felted Octopus Tentacles
Bring the terror of the deep to your desk or coffee table with these cool Needle Felted Octopus Tentacles. It came from the deep and now you are in the deep. Caca that is. This 6 piece sculpture consists of 3 different sized tentacles and accompanying wave breaks. They look downright terrifying.

I’ll put them on my table, but if it reaches for my potato chips, I’m laying the smack down. It better not get all touchy feely on me when I’m watching TV. Just cuz you’re made of felt doesn’t mean I’m gonna get felt up. Behave.

Spider’s Lair Necklace

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Spider's Lair Necklace
This Spider’s Lair Necklace is awesome. That spider has the perfect lair. Boobies! Is your name Charlotte? I was just admiring your web. I would love to have a lair like that. My lair is all empty Mountain Dew cans and cheese puff packages.

Sometimes I sit real quiet and wait for my prey to enter my messy web. Then I wrap it up in a cheese puff cocoon. It’s a game me and my cat play. I like it more than she does.

Nightmare Before Christmas Violins

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Nightmare Before Christmas Violins
Etsy seller ChildatHeartPainter makes all kinds of cool Tim Burton inspired violins and guitars and stuff. They’re pretty cool. Practice makes perfect. You ask me, practice is just the nightmare before concert.

Reminds me of that one cello concert I was dragged to once. The guy gets up on stage and he’s all like, “Ladies and gentlemen…Yo Yo Ma!” And I swear he was looking at me when he said it.

Naturally, I was all like, “The f**k? What’d you say about my ma?” Then I rushed the stage and gave him a refreshing drink. Of Hawaiian punch! See, my fists had been on vacation until now.

Just as the cops were rushing onto the stage, the other guy explained that, “No. I am Yo Yo Ma!”

“Shut up. My mom is not a yo-yo! You haven’t all had a spin! Stop saying that!” That was when the cops tasered me. I hate classical music.
Read more “Nightmare Before Christmas Violins”

Dinosaur Fossil Coasters

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Dinosaur Fossil Coasters
People often say to me, “Shut up you old fossil” or “Who dug up that old fossil?” By people, I mean kids. I usually just shake my fist and mutter. Like it’s my fault that male pattern baldness and lady hips magically appeared on my 18th birthday. I’m from the GMO generation. My endocrines disrupted like it was a party up in here and it’s ladies night! Oh what a night! 30 is the new “Holy f**k it’s coffin buying time.” I got the cheapest option with the brass handles BTW. Just in case you want to know.

Anyway, these dinosaur fossil coasters are friggin’ awesome. No bones about it. If I wasn’t already using fast food napkins, I’d be on these in a heartbeat. These is classy. Enjoy them before you’re 30.
Read more “Dinosaur Fossil Coasters”

Time Machines: I’m Going Back To The Future

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Time Machines I'm Going Back To The Future
Roads? Where we’re going we don’t need roads. But that’s just cuz I like to drive on the dirt side of the road. I think of myself as a ditch finder. I hit it so you don’t have to. I do it for the community. In fact, the local cops used to call me the Deuce of Hazard cuz it never looks cool and is always lame. When I found out what that meant, I laughed. Then cried. I’ll show them all when I buy one of Harveygallery’s time machines.

First I’m going back to 1984 when I was 4 pants sizes smaller. Gonna warn myself about the dangers of overeating so it changes the “Now Me” into a thin dude. Then the “Now Me” is gonna pig out and I won’t gain any weight cuz that 1984 sucker did all the work already. I’m gonna chill and enjoy being one of the “not fat” people for awhile, then zip off to the future where I find “Jabba the me” has finally porked out. Then I’m just gonna give up and we can pig out together and shoot the crap. Time machines are sweet!
Read more “Time Machines: I’m Going Back To The Future”