Tag: decor

Varnished Cotton Briefs: Mom’s E.R. Nightmare

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Varnished Cotton Briefs Mom's E.R. Nightmare
When I first saw these Varnished Cotton Briefs, I thought someone had been going through my drawers. Hey, don’t judge. I had an accident at the chocolate factory. The factory was my butt. All of the employees are now laid off. I couldn’t afford all of them working overtime and getting triple pay on taco night. By them I mean the magic gremlins that live in my colon.

This decorative pair of underwear is the crustiest, the most vile, the dirtiest pair of nad covers I have ever seen. Them is some crusty crack coveralls. Seriously, it has real crust. And not the good stuffed crust kind. What is that stuff? This nasty specimen is based on that old gem that mom’s always throw at you before you leave the house. “You better put on clean underwear in case you get into an accident.” Good advice, cuz if you show up at the E.R. wearing these, the CDC is getting involved and whole towns will get shut down. I don’t blame them at all.

This sellers mom never bothered telling them to put on clean underwear. Apparently their mom just tells them to varnish it and put it on Etsy.

Coffin Clocks: It’s Always The Witching Hour

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Coffin Clocks It's Always The Witching Hour
Coffin Clocks! It’s half past a dirt nap and quarter to the afterlife. These cool clocks remind you that we are all just passing the time until we are dead, dead, dead. Did I depress you? Sorry. This is why I’m alone at parties. Well, that and the fact that I am throwing those parties for myself and only inviting myself, because I want all of the birthday cake. It’s all about myself, cuz I’m selfish. No, not shellfish. Selfish. No, not elf-ish. Selfish. No, I don’t sell fish. Oh forget it. This is why I party alone!

Tick-tock. Tick-tock. I fell inside my coffin clock. I hit my head and now I’m dead. Also broke my neck. Oh well, just set the time and I’ll be hanging here for all eternity. That’s just my luck. Of corpse it is. I guess I’ll be haunting some people with similar tastes in clocks.

Actually these aren’t life sized. They are about 17 inches tall. Which is awesome, because I’m clumsy and I did not want to fall and trip and get trapped in that thing for the rest of my afterlife. No way jose! I don’t wanna clock in and never clock out of this clock.

Hyper-Realistic Old Man Sculpture

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Hyper-Realistic Old Man Sculpture
Damn, that is one realistic old man sculpture. He looks just like the guy that shook his fist and told me to get off his lawn yesterday. Hey, when you gotta go, you gotta go. At least I brought my own bag. I’m not an animal. It also looks like that guy who was trying to pay at the Post Office in pennies, but then realized he wanted to mail the pennies. I guess I’m age-ist because all these old people look the same to me. They all shout the same way too. They also all drive through Dunkin Donuts windows the same.

This guy is freaking me out, like he wants to lure me into his old-person-smelling home with hard candy, and tell me boring stories for like 3 hours. 2 hours I don’t mind, cuz it’s good candy, but learn how to edit. I give most of the stories 2 out of 4 stars cuz they lack monsters, dragons and Star Wars stuff.

Damn, that is creepy realistic. I can almost see him reaching for his change purse to see if he has enough to pay for those 11 items in the 10 items or less lane.

Beetlejuice Rotary Phone

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Beetlejuice Rotary Phone
This Beetlejuice Rotary Phone will be ringing off the hook as BJ tries to get in touch with you and make you say his name three times. I’m not falling for that again. I just refer to him as BJ these days, but it’s causing some trouble in my life.

*Looking at action figures at a flea market.* See anything you like? *Eyes the Michael Keaton figure.* Yeah, how about that BJ? *SMACK* What the deuce lady! Oh I get it. Sorry.

*Planning a romantic evening with a hot babe* Wanna watch a movie? Sure, which one? I’m thinking something in an extended directors cut. Soooo, maybe a really long BJ. That might be nice. *SLAP* Hey stop clawing my arms up and kicking me. Fine we can watch a romantic comedy! Damn.

Yeah, I really have to come up with a better name for you know who.
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Arachno-Crafts: Spiderweb Skulls

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Arachno-Crafts Spiderweb Skulls
Spiders are making skulls now guys! These Spiderweb Skulls are some real web-heads. I’ve heard that if you sit real still, while a spider is on your head, this can happen. The spider is basically 3D printing your head. These come in black and white. Pretty cool.

No, not really. Just the thought is creepy as hell. If you ever go outside and see a spider web in the shape of a skull, run. Don’t look back. Just run and never stop until you get to another state or country. Hopefully a place where they know how to kill spiders. Then alert the authorities about the web, so they can destroy it before the spider turns it into a full fledged skeleton. Because once something like that gets animated through black-spider magic, there’s no stopping it. It’s just a web skeleton piloted by a spider sitting in the cranium area, snacking on a fly, walking through our neighborhoods. Creeping us all the hell out. Before you know it, they take over the world and create a nightmare World Wide Web of darkness and destruction. *Shudders* It can happen. Are you ready?
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