Tag: decor

Awesome Flying Saucer With Alien Figures

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Awesome Flying Saucer With Alien Figures
This Flying Saucer With Alien Figures reminds me of the time I ran into some aliens. Last week.

Take us to your leader Earthling.

No, you take me to your leader!

But we are guests on your planet.

Leader. Now. I don’t deal with minions.

Our leader is not here. We left him at home. We come bearing gifts, like the cure for cancer, the answer to world peace and the secret for a neverending gobstopper. Fine.

*Grabs a stick and uses it as a cane while I lead them to my house.* Yoda. You seek Yoga.

They soon found out that I wasn’t Yoda, leader of Earth. But it was too late. They are locked in my garage giving me all of their technology and training to be Jedi. I better take a bath because I’m about to be filthy rich.

Weird Monster Sconce

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Weird Monster Sconce
There’s a monster in my wall. No, seriously. You should see my electricity bill. This Monster Sconce looks like he’s bursting through your wall and he’s brought his own light sources, which I would replace with beer cans. Hey monster, beer me. Thanks! *Grabs it from his hand.*

Click through for an awesome shot of this monster looking totally psyched over a can of Campbell’s soup. He friggin’ loves that stuff. He’s all like F Yeah! Gonna get all souped-up like an old time hot rod.
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Haunted Candle Set

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haunted candles
I hate these haunted candles. I always wind up in a staring contest with them, which only ends when the wax melts down and burns their eyeballs. Or mine. I guess I shouldn’t stand so close. Some people never learn.*Checks my scalp burns on my bald head. Hey I have some stubble now. Cool.*

Look at how surprised they look that their head is on fire. That’s the same face I made. That’s also the face I’m making right now. Prairie-doggin’ it something fierce. I’m out guys. I’ll probably make that face one more time when I discover we are out of toilet paper. Yep. Just happened.
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Halloween Spell Books

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Halloween Spell Books
Ohhhhhh. Halloween Spell Books from HauntedMoonEmporium. I hope they have something that turns Necco Wafers into Kit-Kats cuz that really pisses me off. Reminds me of that one Halloween when I found a spell book by a hot cauldron and a pile of ashes with a witch hat on top. I remember it well:

*Re-reads the page.* Okay, it says to lay my hand flat and put a tootsie roll on each finger and on my palm. Alacashizz. Alacashat. By moonlight, by moonlight. The bat took a crap! *Blinding flash of light* Da fuq? *Turns my new tootsie roll hand around and inspects it.*

I was stuck with that damn candy hand for 2 years! Okay, I lied. It only lasted for like a week, cuz I kept sucking on it. Then my hand grew back. Witches. Who writes spells like that? Probably that weird homeless lady with the mole on her nose, who keeps stalking me and licking at her fingers. Something tells me our paths will cross again.
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Rotten Roses Have Teeth And Eyes

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Rotten Roses Have Teeth And Eyes
These Roses don’t have thorns, but they do have teeth and eyes. So they can see you and can bite you. This is why I don’t garden people. Well, that and did you know that gardens are full of bugs? Yuck. These murderous roses make a great gift for anyone who wants a gruesome garden.

Rotten Rose was a truck-stop floozy,
She’d treat ya right if ya could get her boozy.

I’ll just stop there.
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