Cute And Crazy Cthulhu Plush Monster

Cute And Crazy Cthulhu Plush Monster
Meet the softer side of Cthulhu with this cute Cthulhu Plush Monster. Which is like 100 times better than a Cthulhu Lush Monster. That’s what they call me after too many drinks. This little guy is mean, green and can’t be unseen. I say little, I mean 22″ long. Which is how I wish that girl I picked up the other night had ended her sentence, but nope, she just said it was little and giggled. And left. No, I’m alright. Really I am. It’s not the size of your Cthulhu, but what you do with it right? I shouldn’t show girls my stuffed animals anyway.

So back to this massive and manly raging ancient one. It puts my little one to shame. Anyone would be happy to have a cuddly monster this huge. He’s pretty cute. If I had one like this, that girl would have stayed the night. They say size doesn’t matter when it comes to the monster you’re packing, but we all know it does. I guess some of us have the right monster and some of us don’t. *Sigh.*
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Vampire Soap On A Rope: Skull On A Rope

Vampire Soap On A Rope
Don’t be a Transylvanian dope, use Vampire Soap On A Rope. That way you’ll never drop the soap.

*Lathers up with my Vampire head. Singing “Fat Bottomed Girls” and feeling great. Feelin’ clean and refreshed as sunlight filters into the shower as day begins. I hold my Vampire soap up proudly just as sun beams hit it and then scream horribly as the Vampire face melts in my hand and drips through my fingers. Runs screaming out of the shower.*

*Sits in the corner shivering and dripping, traumatized.*

I should know better than to use Vampire soap in daylight.

Krampus Christmas Card Box Set

Krampus Christmas Card Box Set
This Krampus Christmas Card Box Set might help you avoid getting kidnapped by Krampus and thrown in a sack. Then beaten and thrown in a river or something. Cuz that’s what he does to naughty kids at Christmas. Christmas was hard in the old days. Did you know that Krampus spelled backwards is Sup Mark?

Mind blown!

I just discovered his secret. Dude’s hiding as a regular guy named Mark. F U Mark. I know your secret. You ain’t gonna get me in the sack. Wait, what? I mean- Screw you Mark! Give me Christmas gifts and I won’t tell the world your secret. I guess I just did. Whatevs! I’m onto you Mark.

Embryo Pendants In Santa Hats

Embryo Pair In Santa Hats
What’s up hombres? I mean Embres. Em-bre-os. Bryos before hos right? I’m just messin’ with you guys. Looking good. Forming up nice. Got your little Santa hats on. All cuddled up with each other on your little bed. You look hungry. What are you trying to say? Ohhh, I get it. “Feed us.” Hey, that’s a terrible joke for a fetus to make.

These Embryo Pendants In Santa Hats are just plain freaky. What kind of fetuses spoon each other in bed while wearing Santa hats? They will assault my nightmares tonight and I look forward to doing battle. I hope they find me a worthy adversary as my sword delivers the finishing death blow.

Cleetus was a fetus
and he liked to act elitist.

The womb he did pester
until the third trimester.

And now he’s a loud-ass baby crying all night. Make it stop. Make it stop. Please make it stop!
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Freddy Krueger Burnt Skin Christmas Tree Ornament

Freddy Krueger Burnt Skin Christmas Tree Ornament
Deck the halls with Freddy Krueger’s burnt flesh. You can almost smell the evil bubbling. This Freddy Krueger Burnt Skin Christmas Tree Ornament is pretty awesome. If you could get a whole bunch, it’ll make it look like Freddy exploded and there’s bits of him stuck in your tree. Eww! Yet cool. But I’m freaky like that. Here are some matching fleshy Nikes.

Jingle Bells
Burnt flesh smells
Freddy laid an egg.

My little song gets worse, but that’s all I’m sharing cuz I would like to sleep tonight. I don’t want to tick him off.