Excuse me good sir, do you have the time? *Reaches into vest. Pulls out pocket watch. Holds it to guys face* But of course. Time to bite your face off!
This Pocket Watch Full Of Teeth is, what’s the right word? I think Squeampunk fits. Yeah squeampunk. It makes me squeamish, but it’s kinda cool. No way I’m keeping this thing in my pocket, by my junk. I feel like it needs a mint or a tic-tac or something. Right in the middle there.
Who’s sharkin’ around for a new necklace? Something with some bite! Something that says my neck is a 70’s horror movie featuring an ocean predator about to attack an unsuspecting swimmer!
The Jaws Attacks Necklace is perfect! If you want, you can even replace the swimmer other stuff. Like grilled cheese, maybe a candy bar. Something that the shark can really sink it’s teeth into.
I am so stoked guys. I just ordered a magic wand. I’m gonna call it Wanda, because I’m just not imaginative. Syke! I’m gonna call it my “Wiz Wang”, because I’m sure it will be like a part of me when I learn spells. My Wizard instructor will be all like “Wands up class. This spell is- You, get your wand up and learn this spell. You called it Wang didn’t you? Well get your Wang in your hand and wave it like so. We can’t begin until you get your wang up young man.”
That class is gonna be so awesome and I’m gonna learn how to do all kinds of cool stuff. Me and my Wang all the way. We will be unstoppable. Screw you Harry Potter. Feel the wrath of my Wang!
Read more “Magic Wands for Wizards and Witches”
This Giant Plush Squid With A Drinking Problem has been sold, which is sad. But if you ask the seller real nice, maybe they will make one for you, that also has a drinking problem.
You have a problem Squid! This is an intervention. Get those tentacles up and give me the booze now! Oh, that was easy. Thanks. I needed this, because I’m actually the one with a drinking problem. *Glog glog* Well, not a problem really. I thirst. I drink. Then I think I have a giant squid in my living room. So I know you’re just an illusion caused by my choice of rum *hiccup*
I am notch drunk. Shut yer squid mouth or I’ll shut it fer ya. Check out dis new sport. Here lemme show ya. Stand still now. Is called Kraken smackin. I’mma mess you up. *Rolls up sleeves*
*Wakes up in the morning to find the whole house destroyed*
I think it’s time to admit that I might actually have a problem. But who the f**k splattered my walls with ink?
When you’re an adventurer like me, you encounter a lot of mythical creatures. Especially at the Walmart. There’s woman with her crack showing creature, man with back-boobs creature and the ever elusive woman with quadruple butts bursting out leggings creature.
The point is, the world is a strange place. You can identify some of these specimens with The Adventurer’s Guide to the Skeletons of Mythical Creatures book. Like the Chupacabra, which I also saw at my local Walmart once. It was riding one of those motorized carts with a buttcheek hanging down each side of the seat.
Read more “The Adventurer’s Guide to the Skeletons of Mythical Creatures”