Tag: etsy

Creepy Gothic Eye Jewelry

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

blue eye
Etsy seller twistedsisterarts must have killed a lot of dragons to make these awesome Gothic Eye Jewelry pieces. She has headpieces, pendants, cloak fasteners and more. I wonder where she stashes the corpses.

I bet her jewelry stand transmits to a wall of TVs in dragon heaven, where they watch her through their dead eyes and count the days until they can have sweet revenge. I like the pink eye below the best. Maybe because I’ve had it so many times. Washing your hands is for sissies.
Read more “Creepy Gothic Eye Jewelry”

Soap Pistol With .45 Caliber Bullet Candles

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

bullet candles
I have never been so dirty that I have needed a gun and some bullets to get clean. But just in case I ever am that filthy, I’m going to get me this Soap Pistol With .45 Caliber Bullet Candles. I can look tough while bathing, as I rub this gun all over my body, under the light cast from some bullet candles.

Pew! Pew! Pew! Hey, my gun is shrinking! Is that normal? No, not that gun!

This is my rifle, this is my gun. One is for bathing and one is for fun!

Super Wide Pants

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

super wide pants
You’ll need a couple of marines doing that funeral flag folding thing to put these Super Wide Pants in your drawers. Reasons to buy these:

You have a wide load and need wide pants.
You are part of a midget smuggling ring and this will allow you to smuggle a midget on each leg.
Cankles!
Because you don’t trip and fall on your face nearly often enough.
You like to take up the whole aisle at the supermarket.
One washer, one garment. That’s just how you roll.

Grim Reaper Robe

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

grim reaper
Sweeeeeet! So let me get this straight. You are going to sell me the Grim Reaper’s robe and with it, all of his powers over life and death? Just checking cuz I’ve been duped before. The last time someone promised me a Grim Reaper robe, it was actually an adolescent size Robin robe from Batman and Robin fame. There I was, fat man-gut hanging out, eye-mask and cape on, standing over some dude’s bed trying to persuade him that, “It is time!” and pointing down the hall.

It was time alright. For him to give me two black eyes and a wedgy, while holding me for the police. Yeah that’s real funny Sargeant handlebar mustache of the local PD. Yes, I reap what I sew. Oh, hilarious Blue Oyster Cult reference. Don’t fear the Reaper! You’re a barrel of laughs. You’ll be the first on my list when I buy this thing.
Read more “Grim Reaper Robe”

Asylum For The Insane Note Card Set

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

insane stationary
I have stationary like this from when my wife had her “little vacation”. Kept saying I drove her crazy! That’s insane! And just not true! But I did drive her right up to the front doors of the asylum. They gave me some sweet swag like this Asylum For The Insane Notecard Set and a bunch of pharmaceutical key chains and crap, from the pill pushers who really make people crazy. Then I drove off and partied like it was 1999, even though it was 2008. That’s just how much the booze cost.

Don’t worry, I picked her up again after a few days when I couldn’t figure out how to heat up a TV dinner and after I ruined the toaster, trying to make a grilled cheese sandwich. She felt much better being with more “normal” people. Then we just continued our relationship where we left off. Throwing heavy items at each other and then tending each other’s wounds.
Read more “Asylum For The Insane Note Card Set”