Tag: fun

USDA Approved Meat Coasters

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

meat coastersYou have to protect your furniture from drinks. Otherwise your wife will slap you silly, grab you by the neck and shove your face in it. That’s what happens around here anyway. So use a coaster. A manly coaster that will show her who the boss is. Like meat!

So after that little “incident” I got some meat from the fridge and slapped it down onto the coffee table. Then slammed my drink into that delicious slab of beef. See? I’m using a coaster! I am the man of this house!

It was a good plan. Until she made me eat it, all raw and bloody. My nerdy muscles could not overcome her. This package of meat coasters might be a better alternative.
Read more “USDA Approved Meat Coasters”

True That: Coffee Makes Me Poop Mug

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

coffee makes me poop mugCoffee. The world’s tastiest laxative. At least it keeps you awake. Probably because you have to be awake to poop. Well, that’s not strictly true. C’mon, we’ve all pooped the bed at least once or twice. Three times in my case, but that’s only because I like a good cup of Joe before bed. It gets me just wired enough that my dreams are all like “WTF Am I on acid?” Of course the down side is that when your eyelids close, your sphincter opens. Needless to say, the washing machine gets clogged and then the repair guy is like, “Who the f**k takes a dump in their washing machine. I’m obligated by law to report this to my superiors.”

So of course, I’m not allowed to do laundry within a 100 mile radius now. Man, I’m really flying high on a double mocha right now. Can you tell? Oh and this cool mug is here.

8GB Condom USB Flash Drive

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

condom usb driveAt last, I have a use for condoms. See that? You were wrong mom! I WILL use one. Just not in the way you thought. And not with a woman.

Now you can store your data in a condom, instead of your peen. 8GB? Phaw! I need a Magnum because I’m packing 16GB. Only $15.50 from Amazon.
Read more “8GB Condom USB Flash Drive”

Dead Man Walking: Body Bag Costume

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

body bag costumeSweet Jesus! This Body Bag costume is going to score me a ton of friggin candy this year. Ding-dong. Door opens. Old lady with blue hair greets me with a smile. “Hello little ones. What do we have here? Let me get my glasses-” Shriveled hand clutches heart area of knit Halloween sweater. Old bones jump. Candy flies up. I position bag underneath that sweet candy rain. Then run.

Effin Necco wafers? Really? Maybe the next house will be better. I’m really behind this year after getting stuck in that morgue for 3 hours. Bonus: That half autopsy they did really adds to the authenticity.

Life Sized Gremlins Will Make A Mess Of Your Home

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

life sized gremlinsEtsy seller Lilitecreation offers several life sized Gremlins that you can buy, so that they can mess up your house and throw a party. You can get Mohawk, Daffy and Lenny. What about that Professor guy from Gremlins 2? He was the craziest therapist ever.

They will cost you between $310. to $470. I can wreck my house for much cheaper on my own thank you, but these guys are pretty awesome. This is what happens when you feed stuff after midnight. The consequences are much worse than some farts under the sheets and a stomach ache, which is what happens when I eat after midnight.