Tag: halloween

Human Heart Candle – Turn On Your Heart Light

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Human Heart Candle - Turn On Your Heart Light
Boom-boom. Boom-boom. Boom-boom. That’s the sound this Human Heart Candle makes. What, yours is all pitter patter? Yeah, but did you have a six pack of Red Bull and a bag of Oreos? That’s what I thought. Uh-oh. Just started going boom boom boom. *Listens with my stethoscope against the heart. Heart puffs up and then contracts. Something smells funny. I look at the patient.* Did you just heart in here?

Have a heart and heart this hearty heart. I bet you don’t drive much Mr.Heart, cuz I can see you lack the blood vessels. Zing! I like you so much I’m gonna give you an award. Here have this plaque. Oh… Looks like you have enough already. Zing! Alright, don’t have a coronary!

Bone Decor – Skull Chair

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Bone Decor - Skull Chair
This Skull Chair just wants to sit in your living room and look cool. It’s a piece of furniture that goes against the grain. The Mi-Graine! Just sit right back and consider yourself it’s brains. Cuz it has none. And when you bring this thing home, be careful not to bang it against the wall, otherwise this guy will be a numb-skull. Heh! I really do love a good skull joke. So does God apparently, judging by my weird head.

This chair is way too much work anyway. Every time you move it, it scraps against the floor and leaves marks, like it is eating your hardwood floors with it’s dead upper teeth. Have you been sharpening your teeth on the floor again? Bad skull. Bad skull. I would rub your face in it, but you are nothing but face, so that seems wrong somehow.

via Fubiz

Micro Fears Miniature Horror Figures

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Micro Fears Miniature Horror Figures
These Micro Fears Miniature Horror Figures are cool mini horror figures, cuz you can’t handle the full-sized horror.The seller has several cool figures to choose from, including Bigfoot, The Mummy, even some mini dioramas. Pretty sweet. I hope they make more. You don’t have such big feet now, do you? You big hairy, walking carpet. Why don’t you vacuum yourself you big carpet? Just messin’ with you.

Put these cool figures on your desk and play with them like action figures. I can’t wait to pit Bigfoot against The Mummy. My money is on the Mummy, because you don’t f**k with a guy brave enough to wrap himself in dirty toilet paper. What? That’s not his origin story? I thought he wrapped himself in used TP and died from diarrhea germs. That’s not how he got his costume and superpowers? Hmmm. He doesn’t seem so interesting now.
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Devil Child “Heartbreaker” Wearable Art

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Devil Child Heartbraker Wearable Art
This is a piece of wearable art that basically has you toting Satan around on your neck as he munches on somebody’s heart. You two can sing duets together.

Don’t go breaking my heart.
I couldn’t if I tried…

or

Give to me your leather.
Take from me, my face…

I’m not sure if they spelled “Heartbraker” wrong on purpose or not, but I am sure that if you walk around, outside of your home with this thing, you are gonna get a one way ticket to loon-town. The crazy house. Pharma mountain. Prozac Palace. The Quacker factory. The nut house. The Cuckoo’s nest. The coma condo.

But if you do wear this thing, take a road trip down south and blast “The Devil went down to Georgia” the whole way. You two will have a ball. Think of it as one last hurrah before the men in white coats arrive.

Kraken Bottle Candle Holders

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Kraken Bottle Candle Holders
Vile Kraken! Unhand my bottle! I mean un-tentacle that bottle ye spirit drinking serpent! Whatever. Just have it. Probably full of Kraken backwash by now anyway.

Krakens can’t keep their tentacles off of these Kraken Bottle Candle Holders. Obviously. I tried slapping that tentacle away and all I got was sucker punched. Get it? Cuz their tentacles are full of suckers? You know what else is full of suckers? A lollipop store! Zing! All day suckers! Double zing! Think about that next time you go into a candy store.
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