Tag: halloween

Coffin Clocks: It’s Always The Witching Hour

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Coffin Clocks It's Always The Witching Hour
Coffin Clocks! It’s half past a dirt nap and quarter to the afterlife. These cool clocks remind you that we are all just passing the time until we are dead, dead, dead. Did I depress you? Sorry. This is why I’m alone at parties. Well, that and the fact that I am throwing those parties for myself and only inviting myself, because I want all of the birthday cake. It’s all about myself, cuz I’m selfish. No, not shellfish. Selfish. No, not elf-ish. Selfish. No, I don’t sell fish. Oh forget it. This is why I party alone!

Tick-tock. Tick-tock. I fell inside my coffin clock. I hit my head and now I’m dead. Also broke my neck. Oh well, just set the time and I’ll be hanging here for all eternity. That’s just my luck. Of corpse it is. I guess I’ll be haunting some people with similar tastes in clocks.

Actually these aren’t life sized. They are about 17 inches tall. Which is awesome, because I’m clumsy and I did not want to fall and trip and get trapped in that thing for the rest of my afterlife. No way jose! I don’t wanna clock in and never clock out of this clock.

Ghostbusters Terror Dog Ring

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Ghostbusters Terror Dog Ring
I know what you’re thinking. You saw that headline and you thought there was a Terror Dog Ring operating out of your city. You probably pictured scary dogs wearing gangster suits, who also happen to bust ghosts. That’s what I thought too, but nope. It’s the actual terror dog from Ghostbusters, in ring form.

Wear a couple so people will look at your hand and go, “Nice dogs man!” This thing doesn’t scare me. That hot dog I had at the ballpark last year, that was a terror dog. If you want to glue someone to a toilet seat for like 4 hours, forget superglue. Feed them a substandard mystery meat hot dog and wash it down with like a half gallon of coke.

Hyper-Realistic Old Man Sculpture

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Hyper-Realistic Old Man Sculpture
Damn, that is one realistic old man sculpture. He looks just like the guy that shook his fist and told me to get off his lawn yesterday. Hey, when you gotta go, you gotta go. At least I brought my own bag. I’m not an animal. It also looks like that guy who was trying to pay at the Post Office in pennies, but then realized he wanted to mail the pennies. I guess I’m age-ist because all these old people look the same to me. They all shout the same way too. They also all drive through Dunkin Donuts windows the same.

This guy is freaking me out, like he wants to lure me into his old-person-smelling home with hard candy, and tell me boring stories for like 3 hours. 2 hours I don’t mind, cuz it’s good candy, but learn how to edit. I give most of the stories 2 out of 4 stars cuz they lack monsters, dragons and Star Wars stuff.

Damn, that is creepy realistic. I can almost see him reaching for his change purse to see if he has enough to pay for those 11 items in the 10 items or less lane.

Beetlejuice Rotary Phone

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Beetlejuice Rotary Phone
This Beetlejuice Rotary Phone will be ringing off the hook as BJ tries to get in touch with you and make you say his name three times. I’m not falling for that again. I just refer to him as BJ these days, but it’s causing some trouble in my life.

*Looking at action figures at a flea market.* See anything you like? *Eyes the Michael Keaton figure.* Yeah, how about that BJ? *SMACK* What the deuce lady! Oh I get it. Sorry.

*Planning a romantic evening with a hot babe* Wanna watch a movie? Sure, which one? I’m thinking something in an extended directors cut. Soooo, maybe a really long BJ. That might be nice. *SLAP* Hey stop clawing my arms up and kicking me. Fine we can watch a romantic comedy! Damn.

Yeah, I really have to come up with a better name for you know who.
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Mad Max Style Leather Wallets

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Mad Max Style Leather Wallets
These Mad Max Style Leather Wallets are pretty cool for when you need to pay with cash in the wasteland. Wait, I thought bottlecaps was the agreed on currency of the apocalypse. I’ve been saving them for years. You people better not change it now, cuz I don’t care. Even if just the lights go out, I’m paying for my stuff with bottle caps. Bottle caps and all of the kidney stones that all those bottles of Mountain Dew gave me. I figure a kidney stone is worth about 50 cents on the market, so by my calculations I’m a apocalypse millionaire.

These wallets are full of bad ass skulls and sinful stitches. Nobody’s going to mess with you when they see this wallet. This is the wallet of a cold killer. A bad sumb itch. A warrior. A Gothic Goliath. A guy who has all of his cash and cards organized just so. That’s a real mans wallet right there. *Hides my My Little Pony themed wallet and acts tough.*
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