Tag: halloween

Steampunk Paranormal Ghost Hunter Costume

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Steampunk Paranormal Ghost Hunter Costume
Now I can have my own ghost hunter show thanks to this awesome Steampunk Paranormal Ghost Hunter Costume. Cuz you gotta look the part when you’re pulling on fishing line and making stuff fly across the room for profit.

I gotta work on perfecting my upper crust A-hole Victorian accent. It comes with a cemetery hat, an old timey coat, vest, scarf, gloves and shirt. Plus Neon Ecto Bait Tube that glows under blacklight, a vial of Authentic Tombstone Az, Boot Hill Dirt that acts as Ghost protection, an animated/ Vocal Spirit Containment Lantern, and a Neon Blue Finger Light that illuminates You.

SWEET! I ain’t ‘fraid o no ghost.
Read more “Steampunk Paranormal Ghost Hunter Costume”

Paranormal Alphabet Cross Stitch Pattern

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Paranormal Alphabet Cross Stitch Pattern
If you’re looking for a cross-stitch pattern that features all kinds of paranormal stuff, check out this Paranormal Alphabet Cross Stitch Pattern. This thing is like a conspiracy wrapped in a riddle, with a creamy nugget enigma topping. It has the Illuminati, UFOs, Aliens, the Jersey Devil (I hear he recently relocated to New York) and much much more. It’s like the X-Files as created by a Golden Girl. Mind blown! The truth really is out there. Wayyyy out there.

My grandmother would love this pattern. She likes to sit in her chair knitting all night, wearing a tin-foil hat, so that the aliens don’t get her. That’s why I have like a hundred half finished shirts with Bigfoot getting out of a UFO. Don’t worry grandma, you’re safe for now, but displease me once more and those aliens in the clean white coats are coming to take you away.

Psst. I found a sweet and dirt cheap “Retirement community”. Odd that the guy that runs it likes to meet in back alleys. Also odd that the place looks like a burned out building with a bunch of homeless people, but what do I know about cutting edge elder care?

Green Glass Eyeball Ring

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Green Glass Eyeball Ring
Keep your eye on the prize. Or you know, on your finger. This Green Glass Eyeball Ring is all seeing, all knowing, and all eyeball. Now I’m no pupil of style and fashion, but I’ll ask my friend Iris what she thinks. Get it? That was just a cornea little eyeball joke. You know what they say, booty is in the eye of the beholder. No, I didn’t mistype beauty. Booty is what I look at. It’s in my eye most hours of the day and I am the beholder. I have probably even seen your butt and approved.

Anyway, back to the ring. Not like *ding-ding* entering the boxing ring. This eye ring silly. It’s not bloodshot, it’s not yellow. All in all it’s very healthy looking. I say go for it. Though I can’t tell if it smells, so there is a chance they’ll give ya the stink-eye.
Read more “Green Glass Eyeball Ring”

Coffin Platform Heels

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Coffin Platform Heels
I just shivered a little. I thought it was because someone was walking over my grave, but when I saw these Coffin Platform Heels, I realized that it must be because someone is walking on my coffin. If that’s the size of my coffin, I can only assume that someone blew me to pieces and there was only enough left of me to shove inside of two shoe heel coffins.

I’m a little ticked that there’s no epitaph on a little tombstone above those heels though. Something like, “He had a soul, not a sole” or “He tried not to be a heel” or “Women were always walking all over him.” True that. True all of that.

I bet you ladies are dying to get a pair. Dying to try them on. Even though they would kill your feet.

Zombie Nesting Dolls: The Nesting Dead

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Zombie Nesting Dolls The Nesting Dead
I have a question about these Zombie Nesting Dolls. Okay, if one zombie is inside of another, that’s sex right? One zombie is inside of another. Gotta be sex. Okay, now if a bunch of zombies are all inside of each other, does this constitute a zombie G-bang? It’s been bothering me since I saw these guys. By the way, G-Bang is my gang name. Shout out to my homies on the upper east side! What up Pedro and Johnny Suckerpunch!

Anyhow, these zombies are all up in each others business, looking undead, nesting in and out of each other. You got zombie dad, zombie mom, zombie snot-nosed teen and little zombie sister, plus baby zombie.
Read more “Zombie Nesting Dolls: The Nesting Dead”