Tag: halloween

Consume, Sleep, Obey: They Live Mask

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they live mask
What’s up formaldehyde face? It looks like your head fell in the cheese dip back in 1957. You. You’re okay. This one? Real f**kin ugly. I’m not saying that nothing would happen after a couple of drinks, though.

This They Live mask makes you look like one of those aliens that secretly controls the world. I’m surprised I can see it for what it is. I’ve spent like 4 years checking out every pair of sunglasses in every store and I haven’t found the magic pair yet, that will let me see our true masters.

Mummified Talon Fairy

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mummified fairy
Well damn. That is one ugly little flying freak. I thought fairies were supposed to be beautiful twinkling creatures, trailing pixie dust from their wings and farting sunshine. These guy’s trailing brown crusty dust from his wings and farting real farts that clear the whole fairy tree house out.

Look at this Mummified Talon Fairy holding it’s hands to it’s breasts like, “Don’t hate me because I’m ugly.” Too late. Don’t ugly me and I won’t hate ya.

Wait! That says “Specimen 2948”. How many of these things are there? And do we have enough insecticide to protect ourselves? Nah. Just kidding. I would never do that. But I would clean my sliding glass door to perfection so they fly into it. Then I’d start numbering my own specimens and selling them.
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Cute Zombie In Coffin Sculpture

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Cute Zombie In Coffin Sculpture
Make some room in your heart and on your shelf, for this Cute Zombie In Coffin Sculpture. This undead figure can be displayed in his coffin or out. He either just ate something super sour or he’s getting his tonsils checked by the zombie doctor. I have no idea. Oh and he took his own eyeball out.

I don’t think I’ve ever seen a self-harming zombie before. He’s all about not living fast and undying young. Does that make sense? Again, I have no idea. I ran out of “medicine” today aka Box wine and I don’t know what’s going on with anything. You’re lucky I showed up at all. I was gonna call in sick, but there are just too damn many of you. It would have been a full work day just letting you all know and half of you would have thought I was lying about that lie about helping the old lady to the hospital after a squirrel attack.

Clawing Hand Wall Hangers

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Clawing Hand Wall Hangers
The hands! The hands are coming! To give you high fives from hell! Which I can only assume evaporates your hand with the burning fires of hades. These things are perfect creep decor for the home. Get some spiders and a skull to go along with these Clawing Hand Wall Hangers and you have yourself a portal to another world where dead people are reaching into ours.

I reached into a portal like that once, but that was only because I thought there might be a Snickers bar on the other side and I’m a diva when I’m hungry.

Gothic Skeleton Baby In Stroller

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Gothic Skeleton Baby In Stroller
Ahhhh. Look at the cute baby. Who’s the cute little baby? Can I lift the veil and see it’s adorable baby face? WHAT THE SHIZZ? I’ve heard of parental neglect, but damn!

This Gothic Skeleton Baby In Stroller is the perfect morbid decor for your haunted house. That stroller even has a goblin head in back. Like they used to say to my mom, that is one ugly baby!

I would make this thing into a sweet remote control car and zip it up and down the aisles of the grocery store until the speaker system says, UGLY DEAD BABY ON AISLE 5! Then I’d come in like a baby-ghost whisperer and rescue them all and get free groceries for like a week.

Man I have so many hopes and dreams. Yet so little motivation. My whole life is a bucket list. That list has two things on it.

Live fast, die hung.
Kick the bucket.

I effin’ rock at life!
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