This Spider’s Lair Necklace is awesome. That spider has the perfect lair. Boobies! Is your name Charlotte? I was just admiring your web. I would love to have a lair like that. My lair is all empty Mountain Dew cans and cheese puff packages.
Sometimes I sit real quiet and wait for my prey to enter my messy web. Then I wrap it up in a cheese puff cocoon. It’s a game me and my cat play. I like it more than she does.
Check it out guys and gals. I just found the most offensive Halloween costume of the year. The Cecil The Lion Killer Halloween Costume has everything you need to re-enact recent current events: A bloody dentist shirt and a severed lions head. Too soon? My bad.
Seriously though, this guy should rot in hell.
Pro tip: It’s okay to get super upset about a lion being killed, but you should also be upset about homeless people dying and going hungry on the very streets you walk on. You should also get upset about your government lying to you on a daily basis.
Let’s get riled up about this stuff too.
Your pal,
The weird Creepbay dude.
The Knock-Jaw: Cast Iron Skull Door Knocker lets guests take matters into their own hands when they hit your doorstep. By matters, I mean they take this skeleton’s jaw into their hands and knock on your door. Maybe you can leave some nuts out so they can crush them in this guy’s mouth and have a good treat.
Real nice. Someone shows up at your house and you tell them to eat your nuts.
Hey, I never had guests before. I’m doing my best. Maybe set out some tiny wieners?
In that case, maybe you should just stand outside naked.
Yeah well… Maybe that’s why I invited you over, so I could have a tiny wiener. Snap! Burn son! Oh, that didn’t sound good did it? You’re probably leaving now right? Yeah, a bit awkward. Now I get why the only people who come to the door are UPS guys and random people with bibles.
There’s nothing worse than an undead tooth creeping around your house, probably pissed off because you used some string attached to a door handle to yank it out. Now it just floats around in ghost form and torments you.
Makes my mouth hurt just looking at this bloody disgusting thing. I’d tell it to go toward the light, but it already did that when it left my head. Where’d you go Tooth? I got a water pistol full of listerine. If I can’t get a dentist to exercise you, I’m gonna at least get all the funk off ya!
That thing you have in your kitchen? That’s not an advent calendar. This is the Ultimate Halloween Advent Calendar. I gotta stop right here. Time out. I admit, I have no idea what advent calendar means, but my fifth grade education wants to say it involves adventure and time. The answer? DOCTOR WHO? Am I right? Do I get to take a ride in the TARDIS? No? Well, screw you too BBC. I would make an excellent companion. I’m leggy, elegant, always up for adventure, look great in a skirt and I can work a sonic screwdriver like a pro because it’s all about the wrist action and a confident motion when the Doctor puts it in your hand.
Uh… Is everyone as creeped out as I am right now? Yeah, I can totally see why the BBC wouldn’t choose me. I need to use words better.
Look, all I know is that it’s fun to open doors and see what the next Halloween surprise will be. Is that it? That’s what an advent calendar is? I feel kinda let down to be honest.
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