So….No door bell. How do I use this Skeleton Wreath? Should I just pick up a bone and use it to knock? Do I use my knuckles to knock on the skull? Maybe just shake the whole thing and make a ruckus? What the hell is a ruckus anyway? Am I causing one now? So many questions. All I know for sure is that I should probably turn around and run when I see a Skeleton Wreath on a door.
Read more “Skeleton Wreath: This House Has Good Bones”
Tag: halloween
EGG-A-MATIC Skull Egg Mold
The EGG-A-MATIC Skull Egg Mold will automatically turn eggs into skulls. Unlike the nations school system, which turns young skulls into egg-batter. But enough of that. Politics makes strange bedfellows. No really, the kind of bedfellow that gets all weird and kinky and makes you do unspeakable stuff in the middle of the night.
The point is, now you can turn your eggs into a skull and have a scary/spooky breakfast. Bite the head and suck out it’s yellow brains. Just like the school system did to you. That will teach ’em. Yay! Now everybody’s stupid.
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Saint Beetlejuice Candle
This Saint Beetlejuice Candle should only be used with prayers that begin with saying his name three times. I can get away with it, because I’m typing the name, not saying it. Just another sweet-ass perk of being a blogger. Don’t you try it.
Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
See. Totally safe. I knew that dingus Michael Keaton wasn’t going to appear. ARGHHHH! Internet is crapping out! My computer is soooooo slow. I’m-
Update: Gonna finish using the library computer, cuz my screen is all black and white stripes with Beetlejizz in the foreground juggling Winona Ryder and Tim Burton’s heads.
Once again, the perks of being a blogger turn out to be an exaggeration. Let that be a lesson to you kids. Stick with your selfies and texting while colliding with poles and leave blogging to the pros.
I’m off to the deli to get a slice of rye and some moldy bologna. An old Chinese guy told me it was the only way to banish him.
Custom Metalwork Eye Patch
Maybe it’s just me, but there’s something sexy about a lady in a Custom Metalwork Eye Patch. You’re a sexy sexy steampunk cyborg pirate aren’t you? They say that in the kingdom of the blind, the one eyed man is king. I say, in the presence of a one-eyed lady, I may actually have a chance. Don’t get me wrong, that chance is slim and none, but it is a chance.
Slim and none means no chance dumbass.
Shows what you know. Slim and nun means I have to go to church to find the girl of my dreams. Hmmmm. Getting through the door without burning a fiery death, that’s the problem.
Zombie Hand Drain Stopper
This Zombie Hand Drain Stopper is perfect if you like your bath water red. Which I do. Hey, nothing gives you soft skin and a warm glow like soaking in a bath of Hi-C fruit punch and Cherry Kool-Aid. Diabetes. You’re soaking in it.
You think this hand will massage my feet and tickle me while I ladle sugar drinks all over myself? Nevermind. Just saw those fingernails. Looks like we have some fungus among us. I know you’re already dead and all, so would it kill you to get a manicure? No. No it wouldn’t.