Hey, look at those shoes. No wonder you’re so stupid. You’ve been standing on your brains all day. *Chuckles to myself loudly* Brains Platform Shoes deliver a roundhouse kick to my head. I fall on the floor.
*Woman stands over me. Hands on hips* Actually, they are decorated with the brains of those who have wronged me. All men, which is why it took so long to cover them.
You women and your shoes. You have to have a show for every occasion. Dinner, parties, the beach, channeling the dead. Why is it not spelled Wee-ja? Stupid English language. Whatevs! These Ouija Board Heels from MissFiendishApparel are pretty neat.
Pardon me Miss, I couldn’t help but notice your amazing Ouija shoes. I’m pretty good at communicating with the departed. Mind if I have a go? Thank you. *Bends down on one knee. Takes a ring off my finger and uses it as a planchette. It slowly moves across the shoe* Mmmm, this is interesting.
What does it say?
It says congratulations, someone is looking up your dress!
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If you like it, put a ring on it. *Holds out hand. Waits. Twiddles my fingers* Be that way. *Sulks* Fine whatever. You are all as cold and dead as this Gothic Cemetery Ring.
You can have the smallest cemetery ever right on your finger. So when you give people the finger, they will know that you are not just telling them to F**k off, you are also telling them to die and get buried on a hill somewhere.
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This Realistic Anatomic Skeleton Model is my new best buddy. We are gonna have all kinds of adventures together. He’s a wisecracking loose cannon, while I’m two weeks away from retirement. We’ll hang out all day and tell skeleton jokes and stuff. Bust bad guys. I’ll call him Helter Skelter and I’ll keep him in a fallout shelter. Man, life is sweet. Until they kill my partner.
*Holding Helter Skelter in my arms* I told you to wear a vest! *tears* They knew just where to hit you. *sniff* Because you taught them. *sobbing* You God Damn anatomy model. You taught ’em! And they used that knowledge against you. *wailing. Clenching Helter Skelter tight.*
Promise me one thing pal.
*Crying* Anything buddy. *Sniff* Anything.
Study me like they did. Then use it against them. *cough* Let knowledge be your weapon. *Cough* One last joke friend. *Wheeze* Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
*whispers* No body.
*Skeleton turns to dust* Noooooooooooooo!
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Check out these Monster Inspired Dresses fit for any Bridezilla. The seller has dresses inspired by Frankenstein, Vampires, Zombies and more.
The only dresses they don’t have are ones inspired by my almost-wife. Of course how do you capture a woman approaching the altar screaming and crying at the same time? How do you capture the running out of the church in high heels, not once but several times as she loads up the car with gifts and then drives off, flipping me the finger. I don’t think any dress could capture the scene.
Apparently marrying me cures blindness. Which also cures them of marrying me.
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