Tag: halloween

Illegal Alien Mask

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illegal alien maskWhat can I possibly say about this illegal alien mask that won’t come off as rascist? Hmmm. Let’s just look at the Amazon reviews. There are 2. The first basically says, “THIS MASK IS RACIST!” Because, you know, people are just waiting to be offended. Relax Mister heart attack waiting to happen. It’s just a pun.

The second review rightly points out that neither the ad nor the mask give any hint as to the alien’s race, religion or ethnic group. So take that first reviewer. Plus it is an alien. And the only race that aliens have is to see who can get here first and slice up cows for science. Enough said.

Crazy Monster Hat With Claw Mittens

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monster hatThis awesome $129. monster hat is just waiting to transform you into a furry three-eyed monster so you can go all om-nom-nom on somebody. It comes with claw mittens so you can go all Wolverine on your prey too.

I have to say, this is the cutest monster I’ve ever seen and I applaud the choice of bra over a furry chest piece. You can hide under my bed any time you want. Just don’t attack while the bed is rocking. Wait 30 seconds when you hear me reach for a kleenex. Otherwise things could get awkward.

What? I have a cold. Been coughing a lot and rocking the bed. These fits usually last about a minute and happen once a night. I’m a sick sick man.
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Mrs. Skeletor, I Presume: “Purgatory” Skull Heelless Wedges

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Skull Heelless WedgesThese $150. “Purgatory” Skull Heelless Wedges are named all wrong. They are clearly from Hell and forged from the souls of one hundred tormented shoe designers. You will be hell on heels, that’s for sure. Oh wait. No heels here.

Is this what’s hot this summer? Women are already taller than me when they wear platform shoes. Now, they are gonna be taller than me and look like a friggin’ demon.

Oh hello, I hate blind dates, what are you looking for in a man?*looks up at the goth Amazon princess. And up. And up. Neck hurts. Ow!*

*Eyes rolling back in her head. Voice like Barry White talking through James Earl Jones.* A virgin that can be kicked about the scrotum with skull wedges and then sacrificed to appease my ancient lord.

Well, that sounds like me. And since no one is raising their hands to make love to me real quick-like(I asked), I’m out!

Get the check b*tch. I’ll leave a tip: A virgin will easily outrun you in Skull wedges! Ha ha! I live to be celibate another day! Not much of a victory, but whatevs!
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Dead Man Walking: Body Bag Costume

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body bag costumeSweet Jesus! This Body Bag costume is going to score me a ton of friggin candy this year. Ding-dong. Door opens. Old lady with blue hair greets me with a smile. “Hello little ones. What do we have here? Let me get my glasses-” Shriveled hand clutches heart area of knit Halloween sweater. Old bones jump. Candy flies up. I position bag underneath that sweet candy rain. Then run.

Effin Necco wafers? Really? Maybe the next house will be better. I’m really behind this year after getting stuck in that morgue for 3 hours. Bonus: That half autopsy they did really adds to the authenticity.

Disney Princess Massacre Mini Top-Hat

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disney princess hatShow everyone how you really feel about Disney Princesses. If you want to see them massacred and smashed, this is the hat for you. It makes a fashion statement and tells everyone how you feel. I know I’m sick of all these animated and emaciated Princesses singing silly songs at me.

Four Disney Princess’ lay dead:
Cinderella sits upright, impaled with her glass slipper.
Snow Whites’ jaw, ripped right off.
Aurora has been zombified. Her eye ball hangs out while she holds the heart of her Prince.
Ariel, caught by fishermen, the flesh of her tail torn off and eaten, leaving nothing but bone.

This hat makes me happy. (Mostly because I met a chick named Jasmine. She didn’t rub my lamp.) More images below.
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