Tag: horror

Horror Character Lineup Baby Blanket

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Horror Character Lineup Baby BlanketDo you have a baby? I bet it screams a lot and poops itself. I totally get that. I too have irritable bowel syndrome. Well, give your baby something to really scream about and put this Horror Character Lineup Baby Blanket in his or her crib. Cuz it’s never too late to scar your child for life and make some therapist filthy rich. It features Freddy Krueger, Leatherface, Michael Meyers and more.

What’s junior screaming about? Probably needs his diaper changed. Nope, he’s just terrified of his new play friends. God only knows what kind of weirdo that kid is going to grow up to be. The next Freddy? Could be.

Cthulhu Poison Bottles

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Cthulhu Poison Bottles
You know what you put in these Cthulhu Poison Bottles from OrionOddities? I’ll give you a hint. *Makes choking sounds with my hands on my neck and falls over.* What? No, the bottles aren’t poison. You put poison in them. Although I don’t recommend actually doing that. Poison is bad mmmokay? Stay away from the skull and crossbones people. It can only mean two bad things. Pirates and poison. Or pirates who have been poisoned. Or poison that is made by pirates. Three things actually. All bad. I’m gonna put some alcohol inside these and get drunk. It’s just booze, but I call it rubbing alcohol, cuz after a few sips I’ll be going to bed to rub one out. Did I just type that out loud? I was talking about releasing the genie who is obviously inside. Duh!
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Raven Claw Wall Mounted Hook

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Raven Claw Wall Mounted Hook
This Raven Claw Wall Mounted Hook is gonna come in real handy. I’m gonna mount it low on the wall and use it to scratch my back. You can use it as a coat hook, a jewelry hanger, you can put a crystal ball in it’s talons and make it look all creepy. It’s awesome cuz it looks like a bird just punched through your wall and is trying to grab at you. Just be careful when installing it. You have to be very talon-tid. ha ha ha ha ha. Not really that funny, I know. You know what is funny? Hanging one of those fake scrotums you see on the back of pick-up trucks in it’s talons. I am such an awesome interior designer! No need to thank me.

Calendar of Sexy Monsters – Ooooh La Loch Ness

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Calendar of Sexy Monsters
Ooooo-la-loch ness.Nah. Nessie isn’t in this Calendar of Sexy Monsters, but many other sexy beasts are here. Like a werewolf, the Blob, Bigfoot, a Xenomorph, the creature from the black lagoon and more. That’s a monster a month and it lasts a whole year long. Which is coincidentally what I say about the wife’s menstrual cycle, but that’s another story. Gotta go rub her feet or she’s gonna beat me up again. The stairs! I mean, I’m gonna fall down the stairs. I’m just clumsy. Coming dear!
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Zombie Survival Manual

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Zombie Survival Manual
You best learn how to survive the apocalypse. Cuz when it all goes down, you need to know how to navigate hordes of zombies,while poppin’ a cap in their heads with your pistol in one hand and slicing their heads clean off with a samurai sword in the other. You also have to learn how to keep finding twinkies and cheetos in the apocalypse, but that’s another story. Better stock up now is all I’m saying. This Zombie Survival Manual will tell you everything you need to know. I’m moving to the mountains right now and stocking up on TP. You should too.