Tag: horror

Gold Skull Bookends

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Gold Skull Bookends
These Gold Skull Bookends look pretty awesome cuz they’re shiny. Also cuz I just want to put some crazy eyes in those sockets. And I know you have a better book collection than these two books shown here. They look like cool ancient idols. *Stands before them. Wiggles my hands, loosening them up. Gently lifts one skull so my books don’t fall down. I smile and go to put the idol in my satchel. A mechanism clicks somewhere. Rumbling starts. Giant boulder comes down from the ceiling and chases me. I barely make it as I jump through my front door.*

You see why these are awesome? Again! Again!

Skeleton Salad Forks

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Skeleton Salad Forks
Man, I love tossing my salad. There’s just something about salad tossing that makes me happy. I think I’m pretty good at it too. I like to get my hands all up in that salad and just toss it like crazy, real fast like. Very satisfying. Sometimes I like to have a smoke after.

But tossing my stuff about to get even better thanks to these Skeleton Salad Forks. I can tell that those bony hands can toss my stuff like crazy, just getting covered in creamy white dressing, with croutons all between the fingers. I’ll be licking it all off. Does this sound dirty? Sorry, I’m just really into tossing.

The Rituals of Cthulhu Throw Blanket

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The Rituals of Cthulhu Throw Blanket
This The Rituals of Cthulhu Throw Blanket looks warm and cozy. You know what the sleeping rituals of Cthulhu are? Well, he likes to spoon, he likes to be spooned and gyrate his hips, sleep on his side with his knees up so he’s poking you with his knees, sometimes he curls up in the fetal position and sucks his thumb. Those are the rituals of the great tentacled one. Stay warm my friends.

Werewolf Hunter Necklace

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Werewolf Hunter Necklace
Are you the hunter or the hunted? Either way, this Werewolf Hunter Necklace is pretty damn sweet. I’m both. I hunt werewolves, so that no one will find out my secret identity is a werewolf. It’s the safest way to be a werewolf these days. Who would suspect? Why would you hunt your own kind? Of course the jig was up when they learned I could only hunt with them on non full moon nights. Which is like the only night they hunt on. So that didn’t last long.

I basically just looked up at the full moon, pointed at a hairy Italian guy and ran.

Coffin Heart Brooch

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Coffin Heart Brooch
This Coffin Heart Brooch is a coffin. It’s a heart. If anyone has ever ripped out your heart and buried it six feet under, you know the pain I’m talking about. Also, if someone did that to you, you are probably dead. Cuz we can’t survive without a heart. Politicians are the exception.

Wear this brooch proudly near your heart. It may just protect you from heartbreak. *sobs* I just can’t… I feel so lonely and sad and used. Why? Why was the store out of Cool Ranch Doritos? Dear God, why? *sobs hysterically.*