Tag: meat

Canned Dragon Meat

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canned dragon meat
You preppers can stock up on your canned corn and beans and whatnot, but while you are eating your meager vittles by the fire and contemplating why the world went to hell, I will be dining like a king. A king who hath slain a dragon! Canned dragon meat. I’m pretty sure it’s free range, so it’s all good. No dragons were mistreated in captivity. Well, up until the end anyway.

This reminds me of that movie, How To Drain Your Dragon. That was pretty sweet, even if it wasn’t the informative documentary I was expecting. Anyway nothing’s as sweet as dragon meat, cause when they’re in a can, they ain’t burning your seat.

It’s delicious, but shhhh. Don’t tell Daenerys Targaryen.
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SPAM Recipes Playing Cards

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http://www.perpetualkid.com/spam-recipes-playing-cards.aspx
SPAM. The magical meat. The more on your plate, the warmer your seat. These SPAM playing cards have recipes on them, so you and the rest of the guys can all make toxic SPAM farts on Poker night while eating SPAM treats.

I got a full house, “SPAM and Pasta Nachos” high.

Royal Flush here, “Baked Apples with SPAM King” is high.

What do you have Bob?

*Bob covers his mouth and runs for the bathroom*

Bob’s got diarrhea.

Me too, but I ain’t whining about it. Hand me another slice of that Lemon SPAM cake would you? These are the best cards ever!

Orna-Meat: Meat Christmas Ornaments

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meat ornamentsThese meat ornaments will look good on my tree this year. There’s nothing like a tree full of steaks to get a jolly fat man to leave you more gifts. It worked for me last year. I got a Christmas miracle. Sort of.

Last year I threw all kinds of meat on my tree, steaks, fish, lunch meat, I even made a star out of hot dogs and rubber bands. I just knew that tubby old elf couldn’t resist. I lay in bed that night listening to the noise of Santa rummaging around and bumping into stuff. He hissed several times and even broke some of my knick knacks.

In the morning my sleepy eyes awakened to the magic day. I went out to the tree..The damn cats had attacked the tree like furry piranha. They were still gorging themselves. The Christmas miracle under my tree was a ring of cat s**t all the way around. Another ring of cat vomit around that.

Meat. It would have worked if not for those damned cats!

Leather Armor Meat Bracers

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meat bracersHey LARPers. Forget that fancy enchanted set of golden Warlock bracers that you have. Sure they give you +2 defense, but take it from me, it hurts like a mother trucker when that sword hits your wrist. And the force of the blow will probably still shatter your calcium deficient nerd bones.

You need something with some give. You need meat bracers. These are at least +5 defense with a +10 grossness thrown in. If Rocky trained with meat, the least you can do is wear some as armor. Plus, you’ll look badass, like someone has already flayed your skin off. Probably your mom. Because she’s sick of her nerd son freeloading in her basement. You losers need to-

Not now mom!

I’ll do it when I’m finished. No, I’m not rolling the forums again. And it’s TROLLING mom. Did you finish sewing my Elven Wizard costume yet?
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USDA Approved Meat Coasters

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meat coastersYou have to protect your furniture from drinks. Otherwise your wife will slap you silly, grab you by the neck and shove your face in it. That’s what happens around here anyway. So use a coaster. A manly coaster that will show her who the boss is. Like meat!

So after that little “incident” I got some meat from the fridge and slapped it down onto the coffee table. Then slammed my drink into that delicious slab of beef. See? I’m using a coaster! I am the man of this house!

It was a good plan. Until she made me eat it, all raw and bloody. My nerdy muscles could not overcome her. This package of meat coasters might be a better alternative.
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