Tag: monster

Monster Neckties

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monster neck tie
It takes a certain kind of weird monster to wear a suit and tie everyday and grovel to the man from behind a desk, while whiling the time away and earning that sweet cheddar. It’s not for me. In fact most days, pants and a shirt isn’t even for me. Oddly enough, footy Pokemon pajamas are for me. Like everyday. Ewww. That smell. But they’re so comfy.

Anyway, if you have to wear a tie everyday, try one of these monster ties from Etsy seller tiestory. I’m gonna wear two at once and make it a Creature Double Feature.
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Bigfoot Chia Pet: Cr- Cr- Cr- Cryptid

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bigfoot chia pet
Now you can have a Bigfoot sighting on your kitchen counter top or table. This Bigfoot Chia Pet has traded in his stinky fur in for some green herbs. It looks like a stylish Sasquatch business suit that he grew himself. Plus it makes a comfy bed. That he can wear and poop in and stuff, while he’s rubbing his big old Bigfoot butt against trees. I wish I could wear my own bed. How com the Sasquatch can just drop and sleep wherever he is and I can’t?

I’m making my own Chia suit. Not only will it be super comfy, but it will definitely make me smell better too. It beats the one I’m wearing now. Makes me all itchy. I picked a bunch of leaves near some geek convention or something, because the sign said Poison Ivy. Bah. I didn’t see any hot cosplayer covered in greenery or even Batman. Man, I’m really itching and burning. Should I be able to scratch clear down to my bone like that, through a blistery and bloody hole?
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Creature Teeth License Plate Frame

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creature teeth license plate frameScare the hell out of anyone who dares to tailgate you on the open road with this Creature Teeth License Plate Frame. I suggest you use it with plates like 1EATUN0W. Or just, you know, drive around without a license plate. You can say that this frame ate it. I’m pretty sure license plates are strictly optional like seat belts and windshields. I wouldn’t know since I tool around on my banana seat bicycle all day. I really should clean the bananas off the seat. It attracts flies.

Go ahead and laugh, but I don’t get stuck in traffic jams, I don’t buy gas and my bicycle bell sounds friggin’ awesome! *Ding Ding, Ding Ding* “Go back in your homes kids, it only sounds like the ice cream man”.

“More like the Kool-Aid man! Fatty!” *Kid ducks back inside*

“Why you little-!”

*Ditches bike in the grass and runs through the kid’s brick wall* Oh yeah!

Classic Monster Pin-Up Girls Art Prints

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monster pin up girls
These Classic Monster Pin-Up Girls Art Prints are cute and cartoony. Too bad I’m not flying an old-timey fighter plane over Transylvania. I would totally paint one of these chicks on my plane. It means you have a hot girl back home and you miss them. Kinda like how when I went to college, I painted that Perdue Chicken on the side of my Honda, with one leg up all sexy-like.

What? No I didn’t take any major. I was there to deliver a pizza because of my side job. Boy did I miss chicken that day though. She was there when I got home though. It’s toughest on the ones waiting back home.
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Yeti And Werewolf Faux Taxidermy

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Yeti and Werewolf Taxidermy
These Yeti and Werewolf heads are awesome. Why do I need a Yeti or a Werewolf head on my wall, looking like they tried to bust into my room like the Kool-Aid man, but got stuck when their fat heads came through? I just do. With a Yeti head on my wall I can have a Yeti sighting anytime I want. I’ll even go the extra mile and call it in to one of these Yeti sighting hotlines.

“Did you see a Yeti?”
Mocks her tone. Did you see a yeti? Yes. Yes I did.
“Where did you see it sir?”
In my livingroom. It’s looking at me right now.
“Are you in danger sir?”
Me? Pffft. I’m just chillin’ with a beer.
“Sir. You really should take this seriously. You are clogging up the lines for people who are really in danger.”
Whatevs. They don’t exist no how! Thanks for the drunk dialing adventure. Click.

Later that night… *Strange grinding noise is shaking the whole house. Sounds like some weird breathy electric saw too. Turns on the light to see an actual Yeti dry humping and having it’s way with my monster head.*
Oh, Hell no! Bad Yeti. Swats it with a rolled up newspaper. It runs away, darting out a window and leaving my now defiled monster head on the floor.

What the s**t! I guess they do exist!
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