Tag: novelty

Salami Notes

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salami notes
Yeah, I used to use these Salami Notes for all kinds of things. I would write myself notes, leave messages for others, tell random strangers to get bent, but I don’t use ’em anymore. They just aren’t worth the trouble. People get real offended whenever the salami comes out. Like that time my female boss asked me for some sales figures.

No problem boss lady, I’ll just write you a note on my salami and slide it in your box nice and easy.

*slap* Pack up your desk right now you filthy disgusting maggot.

Or that time a co-worker asked me if I had any post-its.

No, but I’ll give ya my salami. Just go easy on it. It’s not like you can get this kind of meat in the Deli.

*BAM! Heel to the toe*

Then there was Bertha the hairy mole-faced janitor with hog breath.

Sure I got something to write on. How about you take my salami? Say, why are we going in the supply closet? No need to pin my arms done! Oh dear God! No, keep the lights off. Why? Why?

*shudders*

Shark Serving Plate

Artemis Winterford2 Comments

shark serving plate
We’re gonna need a bigger fork! This crazy Shark Serving Plate is all about the thrill of rescuing your food from the waiting jaws of a great white shark and putting it in your own tooth-hole.

Quit sharkin’ around my food holmes, or there’s gonna be blood in the water! That sweet chum is all mine!

*Shines flashlight down it’s throat*

What the- A Reese’s Piece, a half-chewed skittle and a gummi bear? I forgot I was using this as a candy dish. Awesome! Dinner just got a whole lot more- What the? A cigarette butt!

Who’s been using my shark as an ashtray?

Canned Dragon Meat

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canned dragon meat
You preppers can stock up on your canned corn and beans and whatnot, but while you are eating your meager vittles by the fire and contemplating why the world went to hell, I will be dining like a king. A king who hath slain a dragon! Canned dragon meat. I’m pretty sure it’s free range, so it’s all good. No dragons were mistreated in captivity. Well, up until the end anyway.

This reminds me of that movie, How To Drain Your Dragon. That was pretty sweet, even if it wasn’t the informative documentary I was expecting. Anyway nothing’s as sweet as dragon meat, cause when they’re in a can, they ain’t burning your seat.

It’s delicious, but shhhh. Don’t tell Daenerys Targaryen.
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Stuff Your Crust With This Pizza Bra

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pizza bra
This Pizza Bra looks awesome. I know that some women like to stuff their bra, and that’s all good with this pepperoni infused over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder. Stuffed crust is the best in my book. I also love how it’s rocking the “one slice up, one slice down” thing, because that’s exactly how I put pizza on my plate.

Note to the seller. This should really be shipped in a pizza box. With free breadsticks.
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F@#k The Time Watch

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f@#ck the time watch
This F@#k The Time watch is the most appropriate watch ever. No matter what the actual time is. F@#k it!

It’s 2 o’clock in the afternoon. Time to wake up. F@#k the time!

Let’s go, the wife says. It’s time to go to the Opera. You promised. F@#k The Time!

The boss says, It’s time to hand in that report. Oh yeah? F@#k The Time!

Hey, the timer just went off. Your mac and cheese is ready. Yeah? Well F@#k The- I’m on it!

Best watch ever.