Tag: odd

Cthulhu Ski Mask Warms Your Tentacles

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Cthulhu Ski Mask Warms Your Tentacles
This Cthulhu Ski Mask is awesome. Yet terrifying. It’s the best way ever to keep all of your tentacles warm in the winter. You probably shouldn’t wear this when you rob a store, but I know you will. You scamps.

Can you describe the man that robbed you?

Well, he was about this tall, had some horns, had a bunch of tentacles and looked like an ancient evil that has just awakened. That should narrow it down.

Laugh if you want, but Cthulhu will tell ya, your tentacles get pretty cold in the winter months. They have been known to snap off like icicles in extreme temperatures.

Awesome Scorpio Scorpion Necklace

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Awesome Scorpio Scorpion Necklace
All of the women in my life are Scorpios. How do I know? Because they always sting my heart and pinch it with their claw hands. Well, it was understandable in that one case. She had a deformity. All Scorpios should wear this Awesome Scorpio Scorpion Necklace so I can see them coming. That is one bad ass train of scorpions, all lead by the Scorpion queen herself, following the trail of tears that is the path to my heart. Great, now I’m depressed. I guess I have to pay more attention to the zodiac signs. See who I’m compatible with. Not that that ever works out.

Hey baby, what sign are you?

I’m a Sagittarius. What’s your sign? Baby on Board? *Points to my fat belly*

*Sigh.* Heh. Good one. I thought you were a cancer. You know, because of that mole. You should get that checked out. *Walks away*

Guess that showed her.

Mannequin Soap: Now That’s Body Wash

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Mannequin Soap
Mannequin Soap. Touch that body. Work that body. Lather up that body. I like to use it until the booby mounds wear down, thereby changing the gender of the mannequin. I’ll have 200 please! Gonna put them all over my bathroom so people think I’m a serial killer.

“Where are the bodies you sick son of a-”

*Shrugs* All over my bathroom. You’ve seen ’em.”

“You wise-ass! Where did you dump them? I’m gonna see that you rot. Gonna make sure you get the death sentence.”

“Whoa! Hang on a second! For washing my hands with tiny mannequins? Good thing you guy’s didn’t see my wall of newspaper clippings and string flowcharts illustrating the takeover of our government by reptoid aliens who killed JFK and make crop circles for fun. Uh-oh… My right to be silent isn’t working. Obviously. Look, I’m just weird. I like weird soaps. Not the daytime variety though. Speaking of, shouldn’t a soap opera be lots of bubbles and a fat lady singing? See why the world is confusing for me? Are we done? It’s almost my nappy time.”

This Needle Felted Tarantula Is Scary, Hairy Too

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

This Needle Felted Tarantula Is Scary, Hairy Too
As if I didn’t have enough things to fear. Why would they create this Needle Felted Tarantula? That is one hairy looking, scary looking piece of horror that is about to get stomped on by my foot. Well, it would get stomped, if I wasn’t cowering in terror right now, hunched over my keyboard inside of a tent. I think I covered every hole big enough for a spider to get through. I used glue, staples, duct tape, a sock and some gummi bears. Why do I even look at the internet?

Fun fact: I used to think spiders ate eyes, because people told me they have eight eyes. Now I honestly don’t know which is creepier. Also once thought they ate people’s legs when in fact they have eight legs. Anyway, I’m safe now in my little sanctuary. Look at that thing. All hairy and gross. What are you Hairy Houdini? I’m not afraid in my tent. Bring it on. You would have to be Houdini to get in here. I- OH F**K! IT WAS ALREADY IN THE TENT!

Just Your Everyday Illuminati / Black Magic Teddy Bear Lamp

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Just Your Everyday Illuminati Black Magic Teddy Bear Lamp
Looky here. An Illuminati Teddy Bear Lamp. Also claims to be black magic. They also had Voodoo in their title. I’m surprised they didn’t mention Santeria. I had that once. I’m pretty sure it means having the runs during Christmas. Seriously though, this thing has some bad juju. I think they confused illuminati with illumination. Obvious mistake. Now ya got some half crazed devil teddy bear with a lamp on his head making you worship some freaky deity every night.

Hey, I don’t judge. You wanna have a scare-bear go for it. You won’t find this thing on my night stand. Don’t mess with the illuminati. Period. End of story, That’s all she wrote. Because a demon bear attacked her. Illuminati. As in Illumi-NOT-I. Ain’t gonna have it.

Click through for an image of a half crazed feline under it’s spell.
Read more “Just Your Everyday Illuminati / Black Magic Teddy Bear Lamp”