Tag: ooak

Condom Porcelain Doll Sculpture: That Rascal Is Wrapped

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

condom statueI don’t even know what to say about this condom wrapped Durex mummy. Yeah I do. It looks like a Trojan factory worker took someone hostage and just used what they had handy to tie him up. Let’s see what the seller says. The seller’s words are in italics. My responses are bold.

“Trappings I” is a piece that demands inquiry.

Yeah, like why the f did you do it? Also, any other hobbies we should know about? Last inquiry: Do your hands smell like lube?

It arrests the attention of anyone looking at it.

Yeah, my attention is all handcuffed and beat with a baton. Can’t even make out your badge number through my black eye. Still swear I smell lube. Is that thing gonna stink worse or less as it sits on the mantel?

Not only due to the stark contrast of the actual materials used, but once one begins to question why they were used, a real debate can open up. This piece speaks to social issues that are raging even now. The interpretation is of course up to the viewer, but there were real issues I wanted to bring up with this piece.

We already know why you used the materials you used. It’s better they don’t go to waste. At least they were used for something. The only debate is whether you have any left over for future projects. Depends what kind of a deal you got on an economy pack. As far as issues the artist wanted to bring to this piece, oh yeah, you brought ’em! This piece is full of issues.
Read more “Condom Porcelain Doll Sculpture: That Rascal Is Wrapped”

Glittery Bunny Pregnancy Test

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

pregnancy test bunny
Congratulations. You are pregnant. Have this glittery rabbit pregnancy test. You’ll never have a free moment again. Your time will be spent cleaning poop from another smaller human’s butt-cheeks, wiping up drool, stepping on LEGO pieces as you curse the god of reproduction and you generally smell like pee.

Laugh at nerds like me all you want, but since a woman won’t touch me, I don’t have to worry about this stuff and can just play video games while my mom makes me lunch and cleans up around here.

Alien Carjackers Sculpture

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

carjackingI’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. You can’t trust an alien. They will steal your car and go for a joy ride. Like the honey badger, they just don’t care. This sculpture shows them stealing a 1929 Ford Model A in the middle of the New Mexico desert as they make their escape from military personnel.

I hear ya. “But they were just escaping”.

Oh, so they don’t like getting poked and prodded huh? Neither do human rectums! I hope they blasted that car out of existence. Bitter? Yeah I’m bitter. And butt-hurt too. Take my advice. Never let them lure you into a UFO by dangling a Snickers on a stick. I really wanted to believe that levitating candy would be magical and sparkly. It was going to grant me the power of flight. *tears* Boy was I wrong.

Oh look. A Kit-Kat attached to fishing line. Gotta go. I’m off to chase the dream. That better not be you Bigfoot.
Read more “Alien Carjackers Sculpture”

Wormbaby Caterpillar Babies

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

Wormbaby Caterpillar BabiesIs it creepy or cute? Beats me. I only know that I was infested with wormbabies one time and it was a nightmare to get rid of them. If you don’t catch them quick, they use their soft-serve pointy heads to attach themselves to objects and form a cocoon. Then they turn into mothbabies and start eating holes in your clothes.

That’s probably why my clothes have so many holes in them. It doesn’t help that when I drop food on my shirt, I suck out the stain like a vampire. You can’t let all of that mac and cheese MSG go to waste. It’s like Bill Compton going to town on Sooky Stackhouse. Or Eric Northman. Or those other 10 guys. Sooky, you is a tramp. *Does the Lafayette finger snap and saunters away swaying my hips*
Read more “Wormbaby Caterpillar Babies”

Mounted Predator Head

Artemis WinterfordLeave a comment

mounted predator headI finally bagged me a Predator. Even if it does look like a watermelon mated with a spider. They are surprisingly easy to catch. Just cover yourself in mud and they’re all like, “Where did you go?” So I popped up and surprised him. That’s how I got this sweet Predator head for my wall.

Like 4 more were off to the side laughing. I held their friend’s head up. “This is funny spider-face?” What’s that smell? Smells like taco night, just before bed. Oh, right! That mud was butt-mud. Figures I would hide in a pig-pen. They just gave me a wide birth as I left with my trophy. That’s right. I’m the man!
Read more “Mounted Predator Head”