You know how it is. You’re cooking Thanksgiving dinner and one thing leads to another. Before you know, you have the turkey on your head. Happens to the best of us. Then you flail around the kitchen breaking stuff cuz you can’t see and you have a turkey on your head. Yeah, this Clumsy Cook Turkey Mask simulates the whole experience. Except it has eye holes and a mouth hole, where a real turkey does not.
Tag: strange
Octopus Tentacles Umbrella
This Octopus Tentacles Umbrella will look amazing while it keeps the rain off of you. Like Cthulhu himself, it has tentacles everywhere. Except that his are usually grabbing at a waitress as he calls her toots. You can’t take him anywhere. This is a classy umbrella. Otherwise known as a parasol, if you’re all fancy-like. And you will be fancy, prancing about town, tentacles held high, the water just careening off this thing, giving the impression that you are a protected behind a waterfall. You smile and with your free hand, tease your hair. That’s right. You are woman and everyone can hear that sexy roar.
You have this umbrella to thank. And of course me, who brought it to your attention. I know, I know. No need to thank me. Just doing my job.
Vampire Attacks Grocery Store Employee
This is the New Hampshire vampire that allegedly assaulted a grocery store employee a few days ago. As you can see, the police must have filed down his fangs before the picture. Police violence man! #VampTeethMatter So basically a female employee was taking boxes out to the dumpster when the vampire approached her asking if she needed help. No word on if he had a Transylvania accent or if he just sounded as wasted as he looks. Then he broke every rule of being a vampire and hunting for your prey: He told her he was a vampire and began running towards her. Did he hiss and raise a cape to his face? We have no idea, thanks to shoddy journalism.
So the woman ran inside the store yelling for help as the vampire yelled, “just touch me, I can save you.” Then he wrapped his arms around her and she fell to the ground. That’s how you know this story is true. He used his powers to apparently put her to sleep. Then he attacked another employee who tried to fight him off and the dude probably lifted a cross and prayed for Jesus to deliver him from the clutches of this fearsome meth-pire.
When they arrested the vampire, he tried to glamor their asses, telling the officer that he was a “vampire, ghost rider, Captain Jack Sparrow from Pirates of the Caribbean, Mr. Miyagi from the Karate Kid, and a leader of a band.” Assuming that his true identity as Captain Meth from planet WhereTheFugAmI was now safely protected, he went off to jail, where he presumably sits in the corner mumbling and building a nest out of toilet paper, as he slowly wets a piece in his mouth and builds. Wet and build. Wet and build.
Jeepers Creepers Horror Movie Clock
Jeeper creepers, where’d ya get those peepers? Jeepers Creepers where you get those eyes? Probably from some other dude’s skull, cuz look at this guy. Don’t mess with him. This Jeepers Creepers Horror Movie Clock is pretty awesome. What time is it? Oh, it’s half past the severed head. I’m gonna be late! This clock has an axe for a pendulum that swings back and forth too.
Frightening Furniture – Stool Full of Skulls
This Stool Full of Skulls will look great in your catacomb room. What? I thought everyone had one of those. Not sure if I want to buy it though. I may have to request a stool sample. That way I can make up my mind.
Waits a week for it to be delivered.
Hey, why’d you send me poop? Ohhhhhh, I get it. I need to choose my words more carefully. Also, they didn’t have to light it on fire and ring the door bell. That was just mean.